This is Biff.
This is Chip.
This is Biff and Chip’s homework.
Biff and Chip are required to write down ten examples of fronted adverbials.
Biff and Chip have not a fucking clue what a fronted adverbial is.
Winnie The Pooh: Why Do We Have To Have Mondays?
“I just don’t understand, Piglet,” said Pooh.
“What’s that, old pal?”
“Well, why do we have to have Mondays? They’re just so… unnecessary.”
My Wedding Anniversary – 27 March
I woke up in the early hours of this morning to hear the rain gently pouring down outside the window, tapping windows and leaves wherever it fell.
It seemed apt, because exactly twelve years ago today, I also woke up in the early hours of the morning to hear the rain gently pouring down.
Biff Chip and Kipper and the Play Date
This is Chip.
Chip has his friend Wilf round for a ‘play date’.
This is Mum.
Mum is deeply concerned by the ramifications of an additional small child entering her home, not to mention appalled by the twee twattishness of the phrase ‘play date’, but was eventually worn down by Chip’s promises that Wilf is “really good”.
Chip lied.
Winnie The Pooh: The Easter Diet
“So, I suppose the diet has to start today,” said Pooh glumly, looking at the still substantial pile of uneaten Easter eggs they had amassed between them.
“Um…why?” said Piglet.
“Because…well, you know. This,” said Pooh, grabbing a generous handful of his gut and squeezing it between his fingers.
Fireman Sam and the Home Insurance Quote
“Just got my home insurance renewal through.”
“Up again, is it?”
“For the seventeenth year in a row.”
Biff Chip and Kipper and the Easter Holidays
It is Day 4762 (feels like) of the Easter holidays.
This is Biff.
This is Chip.
Biff and Chip are bored.
Biff and Chip have been bored since approximately fifty six seconds after school ended and the Easter holidays began.
Dear Postman Pat
Dear Postman Pat,
I am writing to inform you that you are required to attend a disciplinary hearing on Tuesday 3 April 2018. This hearing will be held at 11am in the back office of the Greendale Post Office.
Fireman Sam
The village of Pontypandy had had a whip-round.
“I just can’t fucking take that little bastard any more,” muttered Elvis Cridlington.
“You think you’ve got it bad,” said Dilys Price. “At least you don’t have to fucking LIVE with him.”
Of Blogging
From time to time I get messages from people asking how I became a blogger, what you have to do to run a successful (which always makes me snigger a little bit because I still can’t believe anyone actually reads the shit I write 
) blog, etc, etc.
And so, if you’re thinking of setting up a blog, here for what it’s worth are my suggested ‘Top Tips’ as to how you become an all star totally amazing celebrity blogger (which I alas am very much not ). Continue reading
