It was nearly Mother’s Day.
‘All I want for Mother’s Day,’ said Mum, ‘is five minutes’ peace.’
‘Five minutes’ peace?’ said Chip. ‘What do you mean, five minutes’ peace? We’ve been out of the country for the past seven days fighting vampire warlords and all you said when we came back was “Did you have a nice day at school?” You don’t need five minutes’ peace. You need a watch and a sense of your children’s whereabouts.’
‘I believe in encouraging your independence,’ said Mum. ‘The parenting books said that it was good to encourage children’s independence.’
‘I’m 4 years’ old,’ said Kipper. ‘They meant I should be able to go to the toilet by myself, not leave the country by myself!’
‘Foreign travel broadens the mind,’ said Mum.
‘Not according to Donald Trump,’ said Biff.
‘I didn’t realise having children was going to be so hard,’ said Mum. ‘I thought it would be just like having a puppy. Puppies are easy to train. Look at Floppy.’
The children looked out the window. They could see Floppy. He was running out of another house with some sausages in his mouth. Suddenly an old man came out of the house. The old man was chasing Floppy and shouting. He had an umbrella. He was trying to hit Floppy with the umbrella. Floppy turned around and bit the umbrella. Floppy and the old man were playing tug of war with the umbrella. Floppy won. Now Floppy had some sausages and an umbrella.
‘Well, quite,’ said Chip.
Just then, Dad came home. He walked into the kitchen. He had the front door in his hand. ‘Whoops, silly me. It just came off in my hand. I don’t know my own strength.’
Mum sighed. The children sighed too. ‘Have you ever considered you might be better off getting us adopted,’ said Chip.
The children went to Chip’s bedroom. ‘We need to do something nice for Mother’s Day for Mum. We have to make her a surprise.’
‘Dad said he would help us make a surprise,’ said Kipper.
‘I don’t think the house razed to the ground and the shed on fire will be the kind of surprise Mum will want,’ said Biff.
‘Valid point,’ said Chip.
The next morning Mum woke up late. It was light outside. The house was very quiet.
‘Where is everyone?’ said Mum.
Mum went into the children’s bedrooms. In Chip’s room she found a note.
‘We have popped to the next solar system. We took Dad and Floppy with us. Now you have five minutes’ peace. Happy Mother’s Day.’
Mum smiled. Mum was very happy. ‘This is an EXCELLENT Mother’s Day,’ said Mum.
Meanwhile, Biff, Chip, Kipper, Dad and Floppy had been taken by the magic key to a new planet. On the planet were some aliens. Their heads were made out of umbrellas and their arms were made out of sausages.
‘Oh fucking hell,’ said Biff. Floppy made a lunge for one of the alien’s arms. ‘Oh Floppy,’ said Biff.
‘No Floppy,’ said Chip.
‘Oh Floppy,’ said Kipper.
‘No Floppy,’ said Dad.
‘Screw you, idiots,’ thought Floppy. Floppy ate up the alien’s arm.
‘Floppy, you fucking liability,’ said Chip.
The aliens looked cross. They waved their sausage arms at the children, Dad and Floppy. ‘Don’t worry, children,’ said Dad. ‘I will sort this out.’ Dad ran towards the aliens. He slipped on a sausage skin. He crashed into the side of the aliens’ palace. The palace started falling to pieces. Bits of the palace fell onto the umbrella-sausage aliens and skewered them. Dad and the children sheltered underneath a bit of rock. ‘Whoops, silly me,’ said Dad.
‘Mum was right,’ said Biff. ‘Dad is a fucking moron.’
Back at home, Mum was soaking in a deep bath with a magnum of gin. No one had asked her to wipe their bottom. No one had asked her to list twelve different types of igneous rocks. No one had decimated her home.
‘This is the best Mother’s Day EVER,’ said Mum.