Biff, Chip and Kipper and the Sex Education Lesson

Biff and Chip brought a letter home from school.

The letter said that Mrs May would be teaching the children about sex.

‘What’s sex?’ asked Kipper.

‘You don’t need to know,’ said Mum.

‘I know what sex is,’ said Kipper. ‘Sex is RUDE. I know about sex. Chip, you have a penis, and Biff, you have a vagina.’

Biff and Chip looked appalled.

‘I don’t think I want to learn about sex,’ said Chip.

‘Neither do I,’ said Biff.

Upstairs, the magic key was glowing. It took the children back in time. They were in a bedroom. It looked just like Chip’s bedroom.

‘Is this your bedroom?’ asked Biff. ‘Has the magic key stopped working?’

‘I don’t know,’ said Chip.

The children opened the bedroom door. They walked along the corridor. There was a funny noise coming from inside Mum and Dad’s bedroom. The children listened.

‘Harder, harder, harder!’ said a voice.

‘That sounds like Mum,’ said Kipper.

‘Who’s a lucky girl?’ There was lots of laughing. ‘You are, you are, YOU ARE!’ There was a smacking noise, and a meowing sound like a cat, and then a big grunt.

‘And that sounds like Dad,’ said Chip.

‘It sounds like a farmyard to me,’ said Biff.

Suddenly the door flew open. Biff, Chip and Kipper hid behind it. In the doorway was Dad. He looked a lot younger and a lot hairier. He had no clothes on at all. He stood with his legs apart and his hands on one hip. He was swivelling his willy around in one hand.

‘Lover lover lover man,’ said Dad. Just then a puppy ran up the stairs. The puppy ran in front of Dad. Dad fell over the puppy. He crashed through the bannisters and fell into the downstairs hall. He broke a table lamp, an armchair, and made a big hole in the middle of the tiled floor. He shook his fist at the puppy. ‘Floppy, you fucking liability,’ said Dad.

Mum came out of the bedroom. She was wearing a dressing gown. She looked at the broken house. She looked at Dad. She shook her head. ‘I hope the baby we’ve just made isn’t as much of a moron as that idiot down there,’ said Mum to the puppy.

The magic key glowed. It took the children home. They all stared at each other. Biff looked like she might be having a breakdown.

‘What did we just see?’ asked Chip.

‘Was that sex?’ asked Kipper.

‘I didn’t think sex meant so much broken furniture,’ said Biff.

Just then the bedroom door opened. Mum and Dad came in.

‘STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU PERVERTS,’ howled Chip.

The next day Biff and Chip went to school. Mum and Dad and Kipper walked with them.

‘Don’t leave me alone with them,’ said Kipper. ‘What if they take their clothes off and start making animal noises again?’

‘It’s okay,’ said Chip. ‘We will probably get adopted soon.’

Biff and Chip went into their classroom. Mrs May was standing at the front of the class. Next to her was the creepy caretaker. He was holding a very large courgette.

‘Today, children,’ said Mrs May, ‘we are going to be learning about…’

Biff and Chip looked at the creepy caretaker and his courgette. They did not wait to hear what Mrs May was going to say next. They ran out of the classroom and went and hid in the library. ‘Fuck that shit,’ said Chip. ‘I have had enough sex education for a LIFETIME.’

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