Biff and Chip had a spelling test. They brought the list of spelling words home from school with them.
‘What are those?’ asked Mum.
‘These are our spellings,’ said Biff.
‘We have to learn them for a test,’ said Chip.
‘But you don’t do work at school,’ said Dad. ‘You just do plays.’
‘Ofsted are coming to inspect our school,’ said Biff. ‘If we don’t all pass our spelling test then Mrs May says the school will get closed down.’
‘Oh no,’ said Mum.
‘Oh no,’ said Dad.
‘You’re screwed,’ said Kipper.
Mum told Biff and Chip to go to their rooms and learn their spellings. Chip did not want to go to his room and learn his spellings. ‘You stupid old bitch,’ said Chip to Mum. Chip slammed the door in Mum’s face. Then Chip set fire to his bedside rug.
Mum tried to do a Happy Face. Mum had been on a parenting course. The course was called Dealing With Your Spirited Child. To deal with your Spirited Child, it was important to do a Happy Face.
Mum could not do a Happy Face. ‘Oh fuck this,’ said Mum. In Mum’s bra there was a hip flask. The hip flask had gin in it. Mum drank the gin.
Upstairs, the magic key was glowing. Biff and Kipper ran upstairs. ‘Why is your rug on fire?’ Biff asked Chip. ‘Has Dad been in your bedroom?’
The magic key took the children to a white house. It was very clean. The children went inside the house. They saw a family sitting at a table. There was a mum, a dad, and three children.
‘Just like us!’ said Kipper.
‘Shut the fuck up,’ said Biff, holding her hand over Kipper’s mouth and shoving him in a cupboard. ‘Do you want to be done for breaking and entering?’
The children had a list of spellings to learn. Their mum and dad asked them to spell the words. The children got them all right. Their mum and dad gave them a hug and told them how clever they were.
Chip laughed. ‘This is a silly adventure,’ he said. ‘That is not what real families are like at all.’
The magic key took the children home. From downstairs came the sound of breaking glass. ‘Dad is home,’ said Kipper.
The children went downstairs. Dad had fallen through the kitchen window and was stuck in the sink. ‘Whoops, silly me!’ Mum was not helping to get Dad out of the sink. Mum was sitting in the cupboard under the stairs holding a bottle.
‘G… I… N’ said Chip. ‘That spells APPLE JUICE!’
‘You fucking moron’ said Kipper. ‘You are never going to pass your spelling test.’
‘Aren’t you going to test us on our spelling words?’ asked Biff. ‘Like proper families do?’
Mum laughed hollowly. ‘Proper families don’t have a man stuck in the FUCKING SINK,’ said Mum. Mum drank some more of her apple juice.
The children shut the cupboard door. ‘I think Mum needs to go on another parenting course,’ said Kipper.
The next day it was the spelling test. Biff and Chip woke up early to practise their spelling words. They could not find the spelling list.
‘I’ve found it!’ shouted Kipper. The spelling list was on the floor in the kitchen. Floppy was weeing on it.
‘Floppy, you fucking liability,’ said Biff.
When the children got to school, there was a man sitting next to Mrs May at the front of the classroom. ‘This is the Ofsted inspector,’ said Mrs May. ‘He has come to see whether our school needs to be closed down.’
‘NO MORE SCHOOL!’ shouted the children. Mrs May threw the interactive whiteboard at them.
After school Biff and Chip went home. Mum was waiting for them. Dad was still stuck in the sink.
‘How was your test?’ asked Mum.
‘There wasn’t a test,’ said Biff.
‘Hooray!’ said Dad. ‘So everything is okay. Did you learn anything at school today?’
‘Yes,’ said Chip. ‘We learnt that you are not allowed to throw an interactive whiteboard at your class if you are a teacher. If you do, the Ofsted inspector will shut your school down.’
‘Oh no,’ said Kipper.
‘Now you will have to home educate us,’ said Biff.
‘Fuck that,’ said Mum.