Biff, Chip and Kipper and World Book Day

The school sent a letter home about World Book Day.

The children were allowed to dress up as their favourite characters from books.

Biff and Chip were very excited.

Mum was not.

‘What is your favourite book?’ Mum asked Biff and Chip.

‘I don’t really like reading books,’ said Biff.

‘Is a computer game a book?’ said Chip.

‘Fuck my life,’ said Mum.

Mum had a good idea. ‘You are already characters in a book. You can go as yourselves.’

Biff and Chip looked at Mum as though she was stupid. ‘Are you stupid?’ asked Biff and Chip.

Dad was looking forward to World Book Day. He gave the children some ideas about what they could dress up as.

‘I’m going to be a dragon!’ said Chip.

‘I’m going to be a robot!’ said Biff.

‘I’m going to be a man-eating snake!’ said Kipper.

‘How am I going to make a dragon, a robot and a man-eating snake costume, you fucking idiot,’ shouted Mum at Dad.

‘Don’t worry,’ said Dad. ‘I will make the costumes.’

‘Oh no,’ said Mum.

Upstairs, the magic key was glowing. It took the children and Floppy the dog to a magical land. In the magical land a dragon, a robot and a man-eating snake were all having a fight.

‘Cooooooooool’ said Chip.

‘Phew,’ said Biff. ‘Now we can wear those costumes to World Book Day, because those characters have appeared in a book, which is this book, about us.’

‘Are you drunk?’ asked Chip.

The key glowed and took the children back home. Half of the walls of their house were missing, and the front garden was on fire. Dad was in the middle of it all.

‘Dad, what have you done?’ asked the children.

‘Whoops, silly me,’ said Dad. ‘I was making your World Book Day costumes.’

‘Oh no,’ said Kipper.

The next day was World Book Day. Dad showed the children their costumes. ‘Floppy needs a costume too,’ they cried.

Dad found a cat mask. ‘Floppy can be a cat,’ he said, putting the mask on Floppy.

Floppy bit Dad’s arm. Floppy did not want to be a cat. ‘Floppy, you fucking liability,’ said Biff.

Dad took the children and Floppy to school. Everyone was dressed up. Mrs May was dressed up as a lady who she said was called Anastasia Steele. The creepy caretaker was standing next to her. ‘I am Christian Gray,’ he said. Mrs May had a rope around her neck.

Dad had brought a can of petrol with him into the classroom. ‘Here comes the dragon!’ he cried. He poured the petrol over the dragon’s head and got out some matches. ‘Watch the dragon breathe fire!’ said Dad.

‘Fuck this,’ said Chip, and took off the dragon costume. Biff, Chip and Kipper ran and hid underneath a table. Dad lit a match.

Later on World Book Day, a policeman came and asked Dad lots of questions. Biff, Chip and Kipper went to see Mrs May.

‘Are you sad that Dad burned your school down, Mrs May?’ they asked.

‘Not really,’ said Mrs May. ‘I never did like teaching you horrible children anyway.’

Biff, Chip and Kipper went home to tell Mum Dad was being sent to prison. They thought Mum would be sad.

Mum was not sad. Mum was furious. Mum was standing in the middle of their broken house looking at her online bank statement.

‘HOW much on World Book Day costumes?’ shouted Mum. ‘Dad is a fucking MORON.’

‘Oh no,’ said Kipper.

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