Biff, Chip and Kipper

This is Biff.

This is Chip.

This is Kipper.

Biff, Chip and Kipper’s parents would clearly have benefited from a book of baby names when they were planning the naming of their children.

Biff, Chip and Kipper are looked after by Mum and Dad.

When we say ‘looked after’, we mean that in the very loosest sense of the phrase.

Mum learnt her hair and makeup skills in the 1980s. It is clear that Mum causes Biff, Chip and Kipper intense embarrassment whenever they leave the house.

Dad is inept. Whether undertaking DIY, looking after the children, or simply engaging in the art of polite conversation, Dad fucks it up every single time.

Biff, Chip and Kipper have a dog called Floppy.

Floppy was named by Mum in a fit of vitriol to get back at her errant husband after he had fucked up one too many basic household chores.

Occasionally, Grandma turns up. Grandma is something of an anarchist and clearly likes her gin.

Biff, Chip and Kipper have adventures, instigated by something called the Magic Key which is almost certainly a sexual metaphor. Quite how they have time to have all of these adventures when they should be receiving an education is never made quite clear. Their LEA is clearly a bit slack.

When they have these adventures, Biff, Chip and Kipper disappear for several hours, sometimes days, to exotic countries, far off places, and sometimes even outside of our solar system altogether.

MUM AND DAD DON’T EVEN NOTICE THEIR CHILDREN HAVE GONE.

Occasionally Floppy the dog comes with them, but he is a fucking liability and will almost immediately drag them into a near death situation.

Once Grandma came with them. That didn’t end well.

EVEN WITH THEIR ENTIRE FAMILY MISSING OFF OF PLANET EARTH, MUM AND DAD STILL DO NOT BAT AN EYELID.

Biff, Chip and Kipper somehow always manage to get out of their ‘scrapes’ with aggressive pirates, aliens and visiting foreign dignitaries.

This is a crying shame.

Mum and Dad are under investigation by social services.

Not only do their children have ridiculous names and disappear unnoticed for several days a week, but no one in their house speaks using words of over two syllables.

Dad has announced that he will lead the conversation with the social worker, and that no one else is to worry, everything will go like a dream.

Mum is making plans to get a kitten to remind her of her errant husband once he is imprisoned for child neglect. The kitten is going to be called Wanker.

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