Biff, Chip and Kipper and the Swimming Lesson

Biff and Chip were at school.

“Today we are going to the swimming pool,” said Mrs May. “We are going to have a swimming lesson. Now that you have been having lessons for a whole term you should all be able to swim.”

“Hooray!” cheered the children.

“Oh fuck,” said Biff and Chip. Biff and Chip had not been having swimming lessons for a whole term. Biff and Chip hadn’t even made it to registration for the last seven weeks.

“We are basically going to drown,” thought Biff and Chip.

Mum drove the children to the swimming pool. Kipper and Floppy came with them.

“Why have you brought Kipper and Floppy?” asked Biff.

“They can watch,” said Mum.

“Watch what?” asked Chip.

“Watch you swim,” said Mum.

“Watch us plunge to our certain deaths, more like,” muttered Biff.

“Of course they can,” said Chip. “An overexcited four-year-old and that fucking liability with a tail. In a swimming pool. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?”

“You really are outstandingly dreadful at parenting, Mum,” said Biff.

“Thank you,” said Mum.

When the children got to the swimming pool Mrs May told them to stand on the edge. They had to jump into the water. Biff jumped in. Chip did not.

“Help! Help! I’m drowning!” said Biff.

“Of course you’re drowning, you moron,” said Chip. “You’ve just jumped into eight feet of water. Which part of ‘I can’t swim’ did you suddenly forget?”

Suddenly there was a bark. Floppy jumped into the swimming pool. Floppy was coming to save Biff!

Floppy sank. Floppy could not swim either. “Fuck me. That was a terrible idea,” thought Floppy.

Mrs May got a big net. She got Floppy and Biff out of the swimming pool. “I don’t think you should do any more swimming,” Mrs May said to Biff, Chip and Floppy.

“No fucking shit,” said Chip.

Next to the pool there was a very high chair. Sitting in the chair was the creepy caretaker. “Don’t worry children,” he said. “I am the lifeguard. I am going to be watching you.” And he rubbed his hairy legs.

“Operation Yewtree is going to be watching YOU,” said Chip.

Suddenly the children heard an enormous CRASH. The wall at one end of the swimming pool had collapsed. Then there was an enormous SPLASH. In the deep end of the swimming pool there was a huge boat. Dad was in charge of the boat.

“Oh god,” said Biff.

“What are you doing, Dad?” asked Chip.

“This is a Viking funeral,” said Dad.

“Where are the Vikings?” asked Biff.

“HERE are the Vikings,” said Dad. A load of very hairy men jumped off the boat and into the swimming pool with the children.

“If Ofsted turn up now, Mrs May is fucked,” said Chip.

“Where did you get the Vikings from?” asked Biff.

“That magic key,” shouted Dad. “It’s brilliant! I’ve had an amazing day. I’ve been surfing time and space.”

Biff and Chip looked ashen. “You took our magic key?” asked Chip.

“It’s not safe for children to use,” said Dad. “I’ve had a marvellous time.”

“Oh god,” said Chip.

“He’s just destroyed the universe, hasn’t he?” said Biff.

“Right then,” said Dad. “Time for the funeral. A Viking funeral is just what she would have wanted.”

“What who would have wanted?” asked Biff.

Suddenly a head popped up at the back of the boat. The head was furious.

“I’m not dead yet, you bastard,” screamed Gran.

“Oh no,” said Kipper.

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