It was nearly the Easter holidays.
The children were being whingy little bastards.
“I hate you,” said Biff.
“No, I hate you,” said Chip.
“No, I hate you,” said Kipper.
Biff hit Chip. Chip scratched Kipper. Kipper weed on Biff’s leg.
“Shut the fuck up, you whingy little bastards,” said Mum.
“We have a letter from school,” said Biff.
“You have to make Easter bonnets with us,” said Chip.
“And bake cakes for the cake sale,” said Kipper.
“Fuck this shit,” said Mum. “Do I look like a Blue Peter presenter? I don’t have time to make Easter bonnets. Or bake cakes.”
“But you don’t have a job,” said Biff. “How can you not have time?”
“I have to look after the three of you,” said Mum.
Biff, Chip and Kipper looked at each other. They had spent four out of the last five days in an underground sea cavern off the coast of Italy.
“Mum, do you know where we have been for the last four days?” asked Biff.
“Oh… in your rooms… at school… somewhere, I expect,” said Mum vaguely.
“It’s Sunday,” said Chip. “And you are a terrible parent.”
“You are still not going to guilt trip me into making Easter bonnets,” said Mum.
“Fuck’s sake,” said the children.
Just then Dad walked into the room. “I will make-“
“NO,” shouted everyone.
“Remember World Book Day,” said Kipper darkly. Everyone shuddered.
When the children went upstairs the magic key was glowing. It took them to another school. “Here we fucking go again,” said Chip. “Yet another reminder of how our lives might have been, were our parents not so inept, and Mrs May not continuously at risk of suspension by Ofsted.”
The school were having an Easter hunt. The children at the school were looking for Easter eggs. They were all wearing Easter bonnets.
“I think that Easter bonnet was in Vogue magazine,” said Biff, miserably.
“Has that girl got a live kitten strapped to her head?” asked Kipper.
“Thank fuck we left Floppy at home,” said Chip.
The next day it was the Easter hunt.
“I have made your Easter bonnets,” said Mum. She gave one to each of the children.
“Mum… what is this?” asked Biff.
“It is half of an Easter egg!” said Mum proudly. “I have turned them into Easter bonnets.” She made the children put them on. They looked in the mirror.
“Fucking hell,” said Chip. “We look like someone has shat on our heads.”
“I think I preferred it when Mum didn’t want to make our Easter bonnets,” said Biff.
At school it was time for the Easter egg hunt. Mrs May was very excited. She was wearing an Easter bonnet. It had a model of Jesus on. Mrs May had made the model herself. Jesus looked like he was being attacked by Father Christmas.
“What has happened to Jesus?” asked Biff.
“Satan has taken him,” said Mrs May.
“I am not sure Mrs May understands the Easter story,” whispered Chip to Biff.
The children went outside wearing their Easter bonnets. “Why is there a poo on your head?” asked Wilf.
“Shut up,” said Chip.
“Now,” said Mrs May. “I have hidden all the eggs for you to find. The eggs are round this corner. You will see… OH!”
The children looked around the corner. The children did not see any Easter eggs. The children saw Floppy. Floppy was having his own Easter egg hunt. Floppy had found all of the eggs. Floppy had eaten the eggs.
“Oh NO Floppy,” said everyone.
“Too late, suckers,” thought Floppy.
“There are no eggs left,” said Mrs May.
“Here’s an egg,” cried Wilma. “There is one chocolate egg left. Floppy has eaten the wrapping.”
Wilma picked the brown egg up in her hand. She showed it to Mrs May. It was a very smelly egg.
“That’s not an Easter egg,” said Mrs May.
“Floppy, you fucking liability,” said Biff.