Biff, Chip and Kipper and the Easter Story

It was nearly Easter. The children were at school.

“We are going to put on a play,” said Mrs May.

“Oh god,” said Chip. “This never ends well.”

“What will the play be about?” asked Biff.

“Zombies!” said Wilf.

“Pirates!” said Wilma.

“Creepy old men who touch children inappropriately,” said Anneena.

“The play is NOT about any of those things,” said Mrs May. “The play is going to be about the real story of Easter.”

“What is the real story of Easter?” asked Biff.

Mrs May looked a bit flustered. “Let’s not worry about that just yet.”

“This play is going to be a fucking debacle,” said Chip.

The children had to practise for the play. They did lots and lots and lots of practising. They did so much practising they didn’t have time to do any other work. “Mrs May, have you ever heard of something called the National Curriculum?” asked Wilf.

The play was going to be on Easter Day. Biff and Chip were appalled. “It is meant to be the school holidays,” said Biff. “We shouldn’t have to go to school.”

“It is Easter!” said Mum. Mum had been drinking since 6am that morning. Mum was clutching a champagne bottle in her left hand. She was wearing a satin nightie, high heels, and a feather boa. “We can ALL go to school,” slurred Mum. “Off we go to see the play.” Mum fell head first into a bush.

Biff and Chip looked at each other. “Dad, you are going to have to be the responsible adult,” said Biff. “Do you think you can manage that?”

“Of course,” said Dad proudly. Dad opened the car. Dad got into the car. Dad sat down in the car.

All of the doors fell off.

“Fucking hell,” said Kipper.

The children walked to school. Kipper towed Mum behind him in his truck. Mum was having a lovely time. “I’m having a lovely time,” said Mum.

“I’m glad one of us is,” said Biff.

At school the play was about to start. The children looked through the curtains. They could see Mum, Dad, Kipper and Floppy sitting in the front row.

“What could possibly go wrong?” said Chip tonelessly.

Mrs May came on the stage. “Welcome to our play,” said Mrs May. “This play is all about the real Easter story.” The audience clapped. The play began.

Biff walked on the stage. “I am Jesus,” said Biff. “Today is my birthday.”

“Fucking hell,” said Chip. “Have you ever actually read the Bible, Mrs May?”

“Stop!” said Wilf. Wilf was dressed up as Darth Vader. “I am going to kill you, Jesus.” Darth Vader hit Jesus with a lightsaber. Jesus fell over.

“Now I have you in my power,” said Nadim, coming on stage. Nadim was Satan. The creepy caretaker played the piano. Nadim did a tap dance. Everyone clapped. The creepy caretaker rubbed his thighs.

“You will not take our Lord,” said Wilma. “Kapow, bam, SMASH.” Wilma was Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer kicked Satan in the face. “Oh, erg, arrgh, no,” said Satan. Satan fell down.

Jesus stood up. “It’s all okay! I am not dead. I am alive.”

“I am your father,” said Darth Vader.

“You’re bloody not,” said Jesus.

Everyone joined hands to sing the Easter Song. At the very end there was the grand finale. Mrs May tied a rope around Chip’s waist. Chip was playing God. Mrs May made God climb up a very tall ladder at the side of the stage. “Now I will let you go,” said Mrs May.

“Oh God,” said God.

All of a sudden there was a bark. Floppy wanted to join in the play! Floppy jumped up on the stage. “This looks like a good craic,” thought Floppy. Floppy tried to hump Mrs May’s leg. Mrs May dropped the rope. God plummeted onto the stage.

“I’ve got you!” shouted Satan. Satan caught God. Jesus and Darth Vader cheered. Buffy the Vampire Slayer got Floppy in a headlock.

“Floppy, you fucking liability,” shouted God.

The play ended. Mrs May walked back on the stage. “And that, everyone, is the real meaning of Easter.”

“I don’t know what Mrs May is on,” said Mum, “but whatever it is, I want some.”

One thought on “Biff, Chip and Kipper and the Easter Story

  1. Only just discovered this and have actual tears pouring down face and am hysterical on packed commuter train.. so funny!!!


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