I took receipt of my babies in 2007 and 2010 and this is my honest product review. I did not receive any payment or complimentary products in return for this review.

PACKAGING

It was extremely difficult to get the baby out. I would recommend the packaging used is rethought as a matter of priority. More specifically, a packaging solution needs to be found which doesn’t render the purchaser in agonising pain, bleeding like a stuck pig for the next six weeks, and unable to sit down without the judicious use of a rubber ring and a stick to bite down on. Bubble wrap would probably be a more sensible packaging option.

INSTRUCTIONS

Extremely poor. I did not have a clue how to use this product. Furthermore, the product gave me no clues as to whether my treatment of it was eliciting the desired response: ie, keeping it healthy and alive. Incorporating a slightly more sophisticated feedback system than ‘screaming and shitting’ would be recommended.

BATTERY LIFE

I would argue that the battery life is far too long. This thing can go right through the night without stopping. I would have welcomed a temporary battery drain and a chance to get at least twenty minutes’ unbroken sleep.

DURABILITY

I would score the product very highly when it comes to durability. It is waterproof, easy to clean and recovered very quickly from inadvertently punching itself in its own face.

COST OF MAINTENANCE

Extortionate.

WOULD I RECOMMEND THIS PRODUCT TO MY FRIENDS?

Only if they enjoy being extensively sleep deprived, frequently shat on, and the horrific emotional rollercoaster which comes with having complete and abject responsibility for a small dependent being which has redefined the very meaning of the word ‘love’.

OTHER ITEMS YOU MAY WISH TO PURCHASE ALONGSIDE “BABY”

Ear plugs. Washing machine. Gin.