Getting Ready

This is Mum.

Mum has been trying to get the children ready to leave the house since 6.27am that morning.

It is now 8.54am and the school gates will close in exactly six minutes.

This is Kipper.

Kipper has been awake since 5am watching violent 18 certificate movies which he has illicitly downloaded on the Sky box using the parental password he is not supposed to know.

Kipper thinks that Mum and Dad are absolute fucking idiots, and if they didn’t want him to illicitly download violent 18 certificate movies then they should probably change the password from ‘1 2 3 4’.

This is Biff.

Biff is about to give Mum the brand new information that she is going on a school trip today, for which she will require a packed lunch, a rucksack and a pair of waterproof trousers.

This is Chip.

Chip is sitting on his bedroom floor wearing his pants. Chip has a vague recollection of some loud noises coming from downstairs which may or may not have been Mum telling him to get dressed, brush his teeth and put his shoes on, but Chip has chosen to ignore these noises in favour of sitting in his pants and staring aimlessly at a man called DanTDM who is playing Minecraft on YouTube.

Mum bets if DanTDM told Chip to brush his teeth and put his shoes on he would sodding well do it.

Mum wonders how much it would cost to hire DanTDM to stand outside Chip’s bedroom door each morning and bark orders at him to get ready.

However much it costs, Mum is pretty certain that it would be worth it.

The children will eventually arrive at school at 9.06am, after Mum has shouted “TEETH! HAIR! SHOES!” so loudly that she thinks there is a very strong chance she has actually pissed herself, her pelvic floor not being what it once was, and Chip’s school tie has been retrieved from the inside of Floppy the dog’s mouth, because Floppy the dog is a fucking liability and has a brain the size of a pea.

Biff’s packed lunch will consist of two half frozen slices of white bread spread with jam and a handful of frozen sweetcorn, which Mum has promised her will defrost by lunchtime, because the Tesco delivery does not arrive until that evening.

Kipper will loudly articulate new and interesting swear words that he learnt from the illicitly downloaded violent 18 certificate movies as they wait in reception for the school receptionist to mark them as late for the seventeenth time that term so far and let them in.

Chip will still not be wearing any socks.

Mum will count this morning as a success.

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