It was Saturday morning, and Mummy Pig and Mummy Rabbit were having a cup of coffee together.
Mummy Rabbit was going to have a baby soon.
“What did you do with the children last night?” asked Mummy Rabbit.
“Well, we came home from school and nursery and they sat glazed in front of the TV while I cooked them beige food from the freezer for dinner. Then they ate that, but only provided I covered it in an inch thick of tomato ketchup first.
“After tea I asked them if they wanted to read some nice books together, but they looked at me like I’d lost control of my senses and growled when I tried to take the remote control away, so I breathed a sigh of relief and hid in the kitchen with a fuck off glass of wine while they watched some inane programme with twattish poorly drawn cartoon animals in.
“Then it took me about three hours to get them into bed, during which time I felt part of my soul leach out and die.
“Eventually they were in bed, by which time Daddy Pig was already snoring like a – well – pig on the sofa, so I found a Sharpie and drew a penis on his forehead before I went to bed.
“I enjoyed a full thirty minutes of having my bed to myself before my children arrived and kicked the hell out of me for the remainder of the night. When I got up this morning, Daddy Pig, the bastard, was still having a lovely sleep on the sofa.”
Mummy Rabbit looked faintly horrified.
“So what are they doing now?”
Mummy Pig shrugged. “Daddy Pig is in charge, so they’re likely sitting glazed in front of the TV eating Hula Hoops for breakfast.”
Mummy Rabbit let out a little gasp. A gasp which said: “I will NEVER parent like that.”
“I read in the Daily Mail that parents who feed their children junk food, let them watch television and sleep in their bed at night are the very worst kind of people,” said Mummy Rabbit sanctimoniously.
“Well, bully for them. My children are loved, happy, and a bit too addicted to the remote control, which is hardly the worst character trait they could suffer from. The Daily Mail is therefore mistaking me for someone who gives two fucks,” said Mummy Pig happily.