A is for Awkward Relatives. That horrendous moment when you get a Facebook invite from your mum/mother in law/pervy uncle that you feel like you have to accept, cos, you know, family, and then you realise they’re going to see all of your sweary status updates and inappropriate drunken night out photos and passive aggressive bitching about them and AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH.
B is for Blocking. AKA the most fun you can have on Facebook with your clothes on.
C is for Cryptic Fecking Status Updates Which Allegedly Raise Awareness of Various Forms of Cancer But Actually Do Nothing Of The Sort And Give Me The Rage Like You Wouldn’t Believe. Want to raise awareness of cancer? Maybe try posting a link to the Cancer Research fundraising page instead of itemising your underwear colours. Just saying.
D is for Drunk Facebooking. We’ve all been there. It’s not big, it’s not clever, and it is utterly mortifying when you wake up the next morning and realise just what you’ve done, and just whose profiles you’ve been writing all over. Agggh, the clenching hideousness.
E is for Events. Which you set up and invite loads of people to secure in the confidence that they will absolutely all come because they are your friends and they love you dearly. And then, instead, you are faced with the – brilliantly monikered by my friend Alice/Dave (it’s a long story) – Wall of Rejection, while all of the bastards think up increasingly creative reasons as to why they couldn’t possibly reserve an entire evening in their diary to come and spend time with you. Their friend. Bastards.
F is for Food Covered Children. I am sure that before social media was invented people never bothered taking photos of their babies and toddlers covered with food they are attempting to eat. Now, it seems like it’s the only thing they ever take photos of, solely so that they can put them onto Facebook and people will happen across them while they are innocently scrolling through their Facebook feed and start dry heaving.
G is for Grammar. WHICH APPARENTLY DOES NOT EXIST ON FACEBOOK.
H is for Holidays. Which I am fairly certain some people now take solely to gloat about on Facebook.
I is for Instagram. Like Facebook, but with more kittens and fewer words.
J is for Just For Five Minutes. Which is how most of my Facebook browsing sessions start. And end approximately two hours later.
K is for Kittens. Photos of kittens are basically the main reason I go on Facebook.
L is for Liking. Or, worse, Accidentally Liking. Or, even worse still, Accidentally Friend Requesting that acquaintance/work colleague/ex whose Facebook page you have been stalking. This has only happened to me once, and I still die inside every time I think about it.
M is for Memes. Where would we be without the Buddy the Elf memes that arrive in FEBRUARY and go on for the entire of the sodding year and imply that anyone who doesn’t want to drape their nipples with tinsel and sing Jingle Bells on repeat from January right through to 25 December is Scrooge personified? Don’t you just LOVE THEM???
N is for Narcissism. Facebook has enabled some users (ahem) to make an entire hobby out of nothing more than naval-gazing narcissism. And I couldn’t be more grateful for it as a result 😂
O is for Other People’s Misery. Feel like you’re having a bad day? Get yourself onto Facebook. Five minutes of browsing other people’s timelines and you’ll realise you’ve never had it so good.
P is for Poking. Remember poking on Facebook? Perhaps not, if you’re a newer user. If you think such a practice sounds, um… somewhat dodgy… you would be right.
Q is for Quizzes. Haven’t done a Facebook quiz to establish which Harry Potter character you are? WHO EVEN ARE YOU?
R is for Relationships. Specifically, relationships which are played out solely under the lens of Facebook. “Sharon loves Snookie so much.” “No, I wuv you, Pussums.” “But I weally weally weally wuv you.” SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET A BLOODY ROOM. (There are admittedly times when watching relationships played out via Facebook can be highly amusing. See P, Passive Aggression.)
S is for Selfies. Otherwise known as profile pictures. Otherwise known as Pictures That Look Absolutely Nothing Like The Subject Matter Due To Ridiculous Camera Angles and Thirty Six Applications of the Valencia Filter.
T is for Tagging. Also known as the best possible way to truly screw your friends over. Did your BFF piss you off when she turned up late for your cinema date last week? All it takes is one terribly angled photo (“HOW many chins?”) and some strategic tagging, and BOOM. She won’t ever be late for you again.
U is for University Mates. None of whom you’d have managed to stay in touch with if it hadn’t been for Facebook. Some of which, to be honest, it would have been for the best.
V is for Going Viral. Otherwise known as 30 million people reading a little post about your flaming flaps. Including your mother. The shame. The shame.
W is for Walls. Remember when writing on people’s Walls was a thing? No, me neither.
X is is for Extraordinarily Excellent Displays of Passive Aggression. If you want to see passive aggression at its absolute finest… then there is truly no better place than Facebook.
Y is for Your Political Opinions. Which, if you’ve learnt anything at all, should never ever EVER be mentioned on Facebook. EVER.
Z is for Zilch. Which is the actual sum total of meaningful content on Facebook 😉