Ten things to do on a Saturday night before you have children

#1 Leave the house. It doesn’t matter where you go. It could be a trip down the local library for all the difference it makes. Just revel in that absolute freedom, to go wherever you want, whenever you want, without having to first hand over half of your week’s wages to a slightly dodgy and almost certainly not DBS checked teenage babysitter, who is only taking the gig so she can fleece you for cash and then spend the night snogging her boyfriend on your sofa and drinking your wine while your children trash the joint.

#2 Watch a film, uninterrupted, without any of the mandatory every-thirty-second pauses to discuss irrelevant plot points and answer questions on why dogs don’t wear shoes and do chickens have periods.

#3 Host a dinner party, safe in the knowledge that no child is going to waltz down the stairs stark bollock naked and ask your guests if they would like to see their balls.

#4 Dress up and look beautiful. Without the post-children accoutrements of bodily fluids adorning your favourite All Saints LBD.

#5 Have an “early night”. Revel in the fact that, at the critical moment, there is no turning your head to see a small child who should have been asleep long ago standing silently next to your bed and staring at you intently.

#6 Throw a party, and play your music as loud as you damn well like.

#7 Lie on your sofa without moving between the hours of 7pm and 10pm, without ever once having to get up and stand at the bottom of the stairs in order to threateningly shout “Just, please, go the fucking fuck to sleep”.

#8 Simply stand in the middle of your living room and revel in the space, cleanliness, and lack of crap (both literal and metaphorical) filling it.

#9 Take a shit. By yourself. Without an audience. Cherish every second.

#10 Get absolutely smashed, safe in the knowledge that no one, but no one, will be waking you up at 4.56am by smashing a Tommee Tippee cup into the side of your head and demanding milk, CBeebies, and your soul.

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