Beth’s Diary – October 2017

Dear Diary,

It was an excellent weekend.

Basically I was the best footballer in the world. Mum loves Saturdays. She gets to get up when it is still dark and take me to swimming and Jamie to swimming and then Jamie to football and then me to football and then this weekend she got to take me to EXTRA football because I was the mascot for a proper football team and I was brilliant. I kicked the ball a lot on the real football pitch and then I said the F word because that is what footballers do, and also Mum couldn’t tell me off because she wasn’t the referee.

When I had finished being the best footballer in the world we went home and then Mum and Dad went out and Nan and Grandad looked after us because I think Mum said she needed the gym. It was something like that, only I don’t think she can be very good at the gym because when she got up early on Sunday to take me to do MORE football she looked all tired and grumpy and her face looked squashed up and she said her head hurt, so I don’t think she did the gym properly at all given it is meant to be good for you. Maybe she should try football instead. Although, I have never seen a pair of football boots with high heels, and Mum would probably need those, because she is very short and she doesn’t like shoes if they don’t have high heels on.

On Sunday after my football I went with Mum to the bra shop. I like it when Mum goes bra shopping. I know the number she is, so I can look around the shop for it, and when I find a bra with that number on it I shout in my very loudest and most Beth voice “THIRTY TWO EFF! HERE IS A THIRTY TWO EFF MUM! FOR YOUR BOOBS! YOUR BIG MASSIVE BOOBS!” I did that a lot and I saw two old ladies laughing, so I did it some more, even after Mum tried to tell me off, because she always says we should try to make people happy and those old ladies were definitely very happy indeed.

Last night was a bit annoying because I suddenly felt really really poorly. I have just been poorly so it is not fair that I should be poorly again. It should be Jamie’s turn instead. I decided I had had enough of my family because I was poorly and so I went and got into my bed and tried to go to sleep. It was entirely pointless as Mum followed me in and picked me up and kept telling me how hot and poorly I looked and put me into her bed so she could keep an eye on me. So much for me getting away her. She kept telling me I should go to sleep and I was like “Yes, and that’s what I was trying to do before you woke me up and started shining bright lights in my eyes.” She means well but I really don’t think that she understands how to be a proper mum.

Today Mum had to go to work, so she left Dad to look after me. I don’t feel she had properly appreciated my poorliness, so I made sure to message her every minute on the minute with my special messaging programme on my tablet. So that she understood the error of her ways I explained in depth my near death status, how much I missed her, and how my heart was breaking without her and didn’t she think that a Proper Mum would have stayed at home to look after her little girl. She told me to stop being silly, but then she came home with a load of guilt presents for me, so personally, I would call that a total win.

Love from Beth (Best Footballer In The World) xxx

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