Here’s my listing:
“For sale: The Worst Jumper Ever.
I bought it earlier in the year in a fit of madness and quite possibly under the influence of alcohol. It’s the only thing which can explain away such a purchase.
Where to start? Well, let’s begin with the colour. It’s pink. Very pink. Very, very pink. More pink than the lovechild of Peppa Pig and Mr Blobby. It would be ideal winter wear if you wanted to blend into the background at a Pink Panther convention. For those prospective purchasers currently going through the menopause, it is sure to coordinate attractively with every last one of your hot flushes.
Once you’ve got past its pinkness, we should talk about its design. What design, you might ask. And you’d be right.
This particular jumper holds the virtually unique accolade of being neither full length, nor cropped, but somewhere in between. It is the ideal length if you want to show off the lower half of your belly button and the very very top of your pubic region. In other words, it obeys not a single law of fashion. The makers seemed to simply give up half way through a row of stitches and give it up as a bad job. And who can blame them.
Now, not only is it a truly ridiculous length, it also manages to hang at possibly the least flattering angle ever. It manages to make you look as though you are simultaneously gestating a baby in both your stomach and your spine. I’ve included a photo to show this off to its full advantage.
Oh, and then to finish the whole effect off, it has a neck hole so tight you’ll feel like you’re being permanently garroted by an overenthusiastic python, and sleeves so long you’ll give off the effect of being half woman, half ape.
I would describe the condition as average at best, with a couple of highly unattractive and totally immoveable foundation marks near the neck line, along with general unidentified smears which come from living with small children.
To be honest, I don’t feel great about inflicting it on someone else, but I figure one woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure, and there must surely be at least one lady out there who’s looking for a luminous pink monstrosity which flashes her naval and makes her look like a pregnant monkey?
The starting price is deliberately low. To be honest, if eBay let you set it at a negative value I’d probably have considered it.
For obvious reasons, this knitwear delight is sold as seen and no returns will be given, based on the full and frank description of the item. It’s likely to be a perfect fit if you are three foot tall, four foot wide, and with a neck the width of a cucumber.