Some stuff I have learnt since having children:

#1 It can apparently take forty five minutes to brush your teeth.
#2 Being asked to tidy your room is on a par with being asked to dance barefoot on hot lava.

#3 Chaos theory is not just a theory.

#4 “Please go to bed and go to sleep” actually turns out to mean “Please go and dick around upstairs loudly and start punching your sibling”.

#5 Your possessions. Your personal space. Your sanity. None of these things are sacred.

#6 There are 99 places where a home cooked meal can end up. None of which are the intended location of inside your child’s stomach.

#7 Whinging is the new talking like a normal human being.

#8 Why say something once when you can say it FOUR THOUSAND TIMES. And still not get the desired fucking result.

#9 Nothing, in the history of all time, ever, is EVER fair.

#10 Kids are bat shit fucking crazy.