How To Have A Poo

Having a poo – when you are not the parent of a child under the age of 10 who is in the house with you:

#1 Go into the toilet.

#2 Poo.#3 Wipe your bottom.

#4 Flush the toilet.

#5 Wash your hands.

Having a poo – when you are the parent of a child under the age of 10 who is in the house with you:

#1 Attempt to go into the toilet.

#2 Find your path blocked by said child(ren), who, despite having not shown the slightest bit of interest in your presence for the entire day to date, are now apparently plunged into a paroxysm of extreme Separation Anxiety.

#3 Attempt to suggest to child(ren) that this touching moment could maybe just wait for – ooh, a mere 5 minutes. (Make that one hour and 5 minutes if you are reading this and are a man.)

#4 Realise the folly of such a suggestion almost immediately.

#5 Dependent on your child(ren)’s age, compromise on either a) allowing them into the bathroom with you, or b) shutting the door, but having them pressed to the outside of it.

#6 Attempt to commence pooing, whilst simultaneously fielding multiple questions on (dependent on age of child) the chances of Donald Trump securing a second term in office; the respective odds of the various Premiership teams this season; the exact formation process of igneous rocks; who would win in a fight: Batman or Peppa Pig; or simply: “WHY?”

#7 Complete pooing.

#8 Attempt to wipe your bottom, to a background dialogue of (choose three): “Urrrrrggghhhhh”/”Why are you so smelly?”/”Is that poo in your pants?”/”I’m going to tell my teacher about your poo”/”Why has your bottom got a beard?”/”I hope my bottom will never be as big as yours”/”Does Daddy know you do this?”

#9 Flush the toilet.

#10 Wash your hands.

#11 Drink gin.

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