Of Exercise

For anyone out there thinking of taking up an exercise regime, I would like to take this opportunity to dispel for you some of the myths which are pedalled to us all by the media and Other People when it comes to just quite what exercise will allegedly bring to our lives.

#1 “Regular exercise allows you to eat whatever you want and still lose weight!”

Absolute fucking bollocks. This is only true if ‘whatever you want’ consists of half an iceberg lettuce with a kale chaser. Hoping a 5k jog once a week will enable you to eat Domino’s for dinner every night and still slim down to a size zero? Yeah. Disappointingly, I can tell you from personal experience that that is never going to happen.

#2 “I do a spin class on a Friday night now instead of going to the pub, and I don’t even miss my Friday night wines.”

Also total bollocks. Put down the kettle bells love and have yourself a nice kebab and a pint of Archers and lemonade. You’ll feel so much better.

#3 “Exercise keeps you young!”

If anything, the opposite is true. In the immediate aftermath of a workout, the mirror will show you that my age can be calculated at approximately 536.

#4 “Regular cardio will burn fat and tone muscles.”

Regular cardio will bugger your pelvic floor to oblivion and cause you to make a public spectacle of yourself. Avoid it at all costs.

#5 “It’s just a case of finding the exercise regime that’s right for you!”

Is it fuck. I am 35 years old. I have tried every exercise regime under the sun. I am telling you now: unless they invent the Olympic sport of Simultaneous Web Browsing And Wine Chugging then there is highly unlikely to be an exercise regime which is right for me.

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