Ten More Things To Do Before You Have Children

I thought of ten more things that, for the love of god, if you don’t yet have children, go and do these things now. Now. NOW!

#1 Have a bath. By yourself. Make the most of the way that there are absolutely no bath toys whatsoever jabbing into your labia when you sit down, and the fact that not a single person wanders in to use the toilet and take a shit while you are in there.

#2 Do any task whatsoever which requires an uninterrupted period of silence and concentration. Once your first child arrives you are going to need to learn to carry out all activities to the background white noise of “Mummy-Mummy-Mummy-Mummy-Mummy-Mummy-MUMMEE” and be prepared to break off at multiple intervals to answer random questions requiring detailed niche knowledge of the formation of clouds, the correct way to tie a reef knot, and the likely colour of the Queen’s underwear.

#3 On the subject of random questions, enjoy every second of not having to go and search out the answers to utterly useless shit that you could not give a fuck about. Google will quickly become your best friend, and you will utter a silent prayer of thanks that you were born in this enlightened internet age.

#4 Starfish the fuck out of your bed (kick your partner out if needs be), because THIS IS A LUXURY WHICH WILL BE LOST TO YOU FOR THE NEXT TWENTY YEARS. Each year my kids get older I think this will be the year I get my bed back. Each year I am proved to be wrong.

#5 Cook a meal for your nearest and dearest and enjoy being able to eat the entire thing without once being required to itemise the entire list of ingredients involved in making said meal and dispute the presence of hidden vegetables lurking within. “That looks like a carrot.” “It’s not, it’s a potato.” “But it looks like it might once have been orange.” “IT’S A FUCKING POTATO.”

#6 Enjoy leaving the house and not being subject to public mortification. “That man is smoking a cigarette, so he is definitely going to DIE.” “That lady has a lot of children so she must have had a lot of sex.” “I don’t like that man, he is TOO FAT.”

#7 If you like the idea of minimalist décor, now’s the time to go for it. By the time the placenta is out your house will be 100% wall to wall Ikea Trofast and a carpet layer of Lego.

#8 Take a long car journey and enjoy the fact that you don’t feel like simultaneously killing yourself and drinking a quadruple gin by the time you get to the end.

#9 Go swimming. Might not seem like the most appealing pursuit, granted, but it’s important that you just make the most of this one last time of getting changed out of your swimming costume without anyone screeching “Urrrrrgggghhh, your bottom is like JELLY” as you do so.

#10 Buy more gin. You will need it.

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