Getting Ready For Bed

“Jamie, Mum wants us to go upstairs and start getting ready for bed. She says we need to do it quickly.”

“Hahahahahahaha. Mum is hilarious.”


“And she says we need to get all of our school stuff ready, AND put our clean washing away. AND she says if we don’t do it all neatly then there will be Big Trouble.”

“Okay. So… what we should do is, we should have a little play in my room.”

“But Jamie. Mum says Big Trouble.”

“Beth, Mum goes on about Big Trouble all the time, but there has never actually been any. You weren’t around for the years she kept counting backwards from five. I don’t know why she did it.”

“Maybe she thought you were scared of the number one.”

“Maybe. Anyway, let’s go and have a play.”

“But Mum will be cross.”

“She won’t be cross. When she asks us what we’re doing we’ll just tell her we’re getting all of our stuff ready.”

“And what will we really be doing?”

“Getting all the Lego out and hurling it all over the floor.”

“Cooooooooooool. Shall I shout downstairs and say that we’ve finished getting our stuff ready.”

“Yes, good idea. She will probably want to see my reading diary.”

“But Jamie, you haven’t written in it.”

“That’s okay. I’ll just tell her that I have.”

“But what if she wants to look at it.”

“I’ll tell her that this week at school we have to sign our own reading diaries, to get us ready for secondary school.”

“Good plan, Jamie. I think she is going to start getting really cross though if she doesn’t hear the shower running. She said we both had to have showers.”

“Okay, so you go and start the shower running.”

“Shall I leave the door open? And put all the towels on the floor next to the door so they all get soaking wet?”

“Good one Beth.”

“And, then shall we pretend to have a big fight, where I whinge a lot and say you’ve pinched me, and you say the F word.”

“But that will make Mum get cross, won’t it?”

“Yes, but if she’s cross about us fighting then she will forget about us having to get our school stuff ready. And then in the morning we can make her really happy by telling her we forgot to give her our uniform to be washed, so now we don’t have any clean clothes to wear.”

“Good GIRL, Beth. You are really getting the hang of this.”

“What about the clean clothes she told us to put away neatly.”

“The usual. Shove them all down the end of your bed with that left over sandwich you didn’t want to eat and pretend they are all in your wardrobe.”

“What are you going to do with yours?”

“I’m going to pretend my brain has been frozen by aliens and now I don’t know what clothes are, so how can I be expected to put them away.”

“You’re very clever Jamie.”

“I expect you will be able to come up with things like that by the time you’re in Year 4, Beth.”

“What about the shower?”

“We will have to get in it or Mum will be cross. Make sure you only let it touch one part of your body – a finger is good – and then jump out and claim you have washed yourself.”

“Oh, and shall I do what I did last night which is pour all that shower gel on my head and then not wash it off so it goes all sticky on my pillow?”

“Brilliant idea. Well done. Make sure you don’t use that green shower gel in Mum’s bathroom though. I put some on my willy the other day and I thought it was going to fall off.”

“I don’t have a willy, Jamie.”

“That’s true.”

“By now Mum will be shouting A LOT.”

“Okay, so we should pretend we’re getting into bed and going to sleep.”

“What will we really be doing?”

“Playing the I Can’t Go To Sleep BECAUSE game.”

“I love that game!”

“Me too. And we are very good at it.”

“Shall we do a bet on how long we think it will take us to break Mum.”

“Sure. I’m going for fifteen minutes.”

“I am going to say ten minutes, and she will have got the gin out by five.”

“I think you are probably right Beth.”

“We are a very good team.”

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