Dear Very Angry People Of The Internet,
I just wanted to write you a little note in response to some of our recent interactions.
You see, it seems like my little blog over here is making a lot of you very angry. So angry, that you feel the need to write to me and tell me just how angry you really are.
I’m sure you are very busy people, and your time is precious. Therefore, to save that time for you in future, I thought I’d provide – in one easy to digest post – my responses to everything you seem to want to ask me about. This should dramatically cut down on the amount of time you need to spend on this page in the future, which is probably a good thing for both your sanity and your blood pressure levels.
In no particular order, here are my responses to your most asked questions and comments:
“Why do you swear so much, you appalling individual?”
Swearing is a part of our rich and diverse language. I personally thoroughly enjoy a good ‘arse’, ‘fuck’, or ‘cockwomble’ when it comes to emphasising my fury over whatever #firstworldproblem I’m ranting on about on that particular day. I do however also appreciate that not everyone is such a cockwomble fan. In which case, please feel free to stay far away from this page.
“Why are you ranting on about the fact you can’t find a pair of jeans to fit you, when out there there are people with Real Problems, you dick?”
Because not being able to find a pair of jeans to fit you is really really really fucking annoying. No, you’re right, it’s not on the scale of living in the middle of a war zone, or having your genitals mutilated, or being a member of Teresa May’s cabinet. I fully appreciate that there are people out there with Real Problems. I fully appreciate that I am extremely lucky. I also fully appreciate that not everything I might read on the internet is a serious piece of investigative journalism, and that some people out there might even – and you may find this hard to believe – be writing somewhat ‘tongue in cheek’. If you find yourself unable to deal with this then please, feel free to stay far away from this page.
“How dare you refer to your children in such derogatory terms and complain about having to spend time and interact with them. You clearly do not love them and do not deserve to be a parent.”
Well, what can I say? Hands up there. You are, of course, correct. The fact that I get bored out of my skull listening to another round of Biff and Chip, and would rather remove my own retinas with a fork than sit through a single moment of soft play does indeed make me a terrible individual who clearly cannot love her children in any way.
Oh… wait. No. No, that’s not right at all, is it? In fact, it doesn’t make me a terrible individual. It just makes me normal. I became a parent; I didn’t have a frontal lobotomy at the same time as giving birth. Vast amounts of parenting are mind-numbingly fucking dull. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. And it’s the fact that we put up with all of this shit (quite often literal), day in, day out, which is the everyday proof of just how much we love and adore our children.
Of course, if you still think I am an utterly dreadful individual then please, feel free to stay far away from this page.
“TL; DR.” [That’s “Too Long; Didn’t Read”, for anyone who was as confused as I was the first time that acronym appeared on my page.]
Um… yes. Yes it is. Yes, my posts are extremely long and self-indulgent. I don’t do succinct. And, also… you couldn’t be bothered to read it, but you found the time to comment to tell me that you couldn’t bothered to read it? Um… yep, that’s just a little bit odd, to be honest. If long posts aren’t for you then please, feel free to stay far away from this page.
“You are an attention seeking arsehole.”
Yes. Yes I am. And? Of COURSE I’m attention seeking. You don’t set up a very public blog page if you don’t want anyone to actually read it, do you? I have always been, and always will be, a proud and chronic attention seeker. Sometimes with a side dose of arsehole. If attention seeking arseholeness offends you then, please, feel free to stay far away from this page.
“I don’t like your page.”
Lovely. Thank you for sharing. Let me help you out here. At the top of the page there is a little blue thumbs up – the ‘Like’ button. If you click it again, you will unlike the page and you will no longer be submitted to this hell. There you go. Don’t say I’ve never done anything for you. And, in future, please, feel free to stay far away from this page.
There we go. I hope that’s covered off most of your concerns. Please do feel free to fuck off now, and don’t let the door hit you on the way out 😘
Much love, IKINTST xxx