It’s an interesting thing, isn’t it? We are privileged enough to live in the 21st century. We have every mod con at our disposal. Cars can drive themselves. Weird disembodied voices called Alexa and Siri can attend to our every need. You can buy boiled eggs WHICH ARE ALREADY PEELED, for goodness sake. Truly, we live in a time of wonder.
And yet. And yet. Despite all of this…
… WHY THE FUCK HAVE WE NOT SORTED OUT THE WHOLE FUCKING NIGHTMARE WHICH IS BED CHANGING?
Before we get started, I just want to ensure we’re all totally clear on what I mean when I reference bed changing. I’m not talking the gentle art of laying out a new throw and cushions on one’s bed. (Which, I’m putting it out there now: I think people who put a throw and cushions on top of their bed every morning, only to have to take them off that evening before they get into bed, are absolutely crackers.) Nor am I talking about the relatively composed and controlled activity of placing a new single duvet cover on a single duvet.
No. When I’m talking bed changing, I mean Proper Bed Changing. We’re talking a king size bed, matching duvet and at least six pillows, minimum.
And Proper Bed Changing… Proper Bed Changing is ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HIDEOUS.
I mean, where to start. Let’s start with your sheet. You have two choices: fitted, or flat. If you go for the flat sheet option, you can give up on all hope of having all of your mattress covered, ever. You can either have the top half of the mattress covered, or the bottom half. There is no middle ground. It is one of the many Laws of Bed Changing.
Alternatively, you go for a fitted sheet option. Now, while in theory this makes more sense, anyone who has ever tried to apply a fitted sheet to a mattress will know that, frankly, wrestling a walrus into a jumpsuit would be easier. Feeling smug because you’ve managed to get three out of the four corners on? Pfft. Three out of four means NOTHING when it comes to fitted sheet application. Because you just know that the moment you go to squeeze that fourth corner on (which, let’s be honest, you’ll never actually be able to do, because fitted sheets shrink to approximately one quarter the size of your bed from the moment you get them out of their packet), all of the other three corners will immediately PING back off, fly up in the air and smack you in the head. At which point you get to start the whole debacle all over again. SUCH FUN.
Then for the pillows. It doesn’t matter how many pillow cases you took off, by the time you come to put them back on the bed you will have only half as much again. Oh, and not a single one of them will be dry, owing to their magnet-like abilities to be drawn to the inner crevices of the duvet cover whilst in the wash.
And finally. The duvet itself. You will have read, I’m sure, of the many and varied methods out there which purport to allow you to apply a new, clean duvet cover with ease. ALL OF THESE ARE ABJECT FUCKING LIES.
Oh, you can turn your duvet cover inside out. You can get inside your duvet cover. You can draw three fairy circles with white chalk around your duvet colour and perform the dance of the seven veils while dressed as a medieval witch doctor, and NONE OF IT WILL MAKE A DAMN BIT OF DIFFERENCE.
You will instead spend approximately half of your life wrestling duvets inside of duvet covers, sweating like you have just done twelve rounds with the Hulk inside a sauna, screaming with rage and gasping profanities when once again the fucking duvet corner refuses to stay inside the FUCKING duvet cover corner, and, frankly, when you finally get that bastard cover into even the vaguest approximation of alignment with the duvet itself, and give up on the whole thing as a bad job, then to be honest you are going to be fit for nothing more than crawling into that bed you’ve just changed and wishing your life was over. Or, perhaps, feeling like it already is. I don’t know a lot about what Hell is like, but if you told me it was back to back bed changing then it wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest.