Original Source, you diamonds. Aren’t you lovely 😊
So, post flaps-of-flame incident (or ‘Flapastrophe’, as one gentleman who messaged me brilliantly monikered it), the very nice people at Original Source, despite the fact I imagine I have probably ruined their marketing and PR teams’ lives over the last week, offered to send me some of their shower milks to calm down my front bottom. And, while I’m not one for product reviews, under the circumstances, how could I refuse.
So here are the shower milks, which arrived this week. And, in the interests of my continued commitment to public service and health and safety, I thought I would take each of them for a little test run on my frazzled nethers. Please note my extremely scientific looking glasses I have applied to make me look like I know what the fuck I am doing.
Scores on the doors, post test run, are as follows:
SWEET APPLE AND VANILLA MILK
Alarmingly brings to mind THAT scene from American Pie. However, once managing to bleach one’s mind of that mental image, can confirm this is an extremely soothing experience. Which is almost exactly what that bloke in American Pie was having, I’m sure.
LIME AND COCONUT MILK
Felt slightly like I was serving my labia a cocktail rather than giving them a wash. If you can get over that, the lime is less terrifying than it sounds and I can confirm that despite ‘clenching’ in apprehension (eating a lime is hardly a relaxing experience) somewhat at the point of application, my front bottom emerged unscathed.
GREEN BANANA AND BAMBOO MILK
Remember those horrendous banana-flavoured antibiotics we all had to take at some point as a child in the 80s? Well, now imagine applying that to your flaps. Entirely pain-free; entirely vaguely disturbing.
CHERRY AND ALMOND MILK
Ooh, this one’s lovely. It’s like having Mr Kipling give your vagina a wash. Full marks from me.
And then, just as I was about to relax in the knowledge that my front bottom would forever more be a flame-free zone… I noticed what the cheeky bastards had also sneaked in there. Lemon shower gel. Which, okay, sounds reasonably innocuous. But then you read the label: “2 real zesty” – zesty, never a word you want used in conjunction with any product which might come into close proximity with Down There – “lemons and tea tree.”
TEA TREE??! THAT’S THE WHOLE FUCKING REASON I ENDED UP IN THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE 😂😂😂