Beth’s Diary – Mum’s Front Bottom

Dear Diary,

It has been another very irritating week.
To be honest, I thought at least this week Mum would finally shut up about what she is calling her “famous flaps”. I didn’t know what she was talking about until Jamie explained she meant her front bottom. It is just my luck to get lumbered with a mum who thinks having a famous front bottom is something to celebrate. 

Anyway, she made us all go and buy the Sunday papers so she could find the one she was in, which was really annoying because Jamie really really needed a wee and Mum said he had​ to wait until after we had got the papers. Well, actually what she said was that he could get out the car and wee in the bush next to the petrol station where we were getting them from. GOD, Mum. Just because you are apparently famous for what Jamie has told me are also called our “genitals”… doesn’t mean the rest of us want to start getting ours out and waving them around in public.

To show Mum how annoyed I was at her I decided not to wake up until 8am every single day this week. We have to leave the house by 8.10am ABSOLUTE LATEST, so this is cutting it fine to say the least. Mum and Jamie get a bit scared of me in the mornings because I am usually so furious about life, so it means I can just sit there and do nothing while they get me dressed and Jamie has to do all my chores, HA!

Mum has made me particularly cross this week because she has got really obsessed with me wearing clean clothes to school. For goodness sake, Mum. Clothes are going to get dirty. I figure I might as well just cut to the chase and put the dirty ones on in the morning. Besides, it saves her having to do washing so I don’t really know what she is moaning on about. She got really really cross when she found out I had been wearing the same pair of socks all week, which is why they had become black socks and not white socks. Black is still a colour we can wear for school though, so I don’t know what her problem is.

Now today it is swimming, and then I am going to tell Mum I am going to come with her on my bike when she goes for a run. I like to ride really really fast and then look back so I can see her all red and sweaty and flailing around behind me. If she is really lucky I will do what I did the other week and tell her I have a scratch, and can I show her, and when she says yes I will pull down my trousers and pants IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET. She is not the only person around here who can have a famous front bottom.

Love from Beth xxx

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