The Mum On The Rum

The Mum had gone out
And she’d had lots of rum.
She’d drunk rum all the night,
It had been so much fun.

She had rolled in so late
With the rum in her head.
She fell over her shoes.
She went straight up to bed.

She crashed into her bed
With her makeup still on.
And her husband just laughed,
He knew what was to come.

And all she did then was to
Until morning arrived
And then came through the door:

Two children! These children,
Child One and Child Two.
They ran over to Mum,
They said “We need a poo.”

The Mum was still snoring,
But this made her wake
She said “I think surely
There’s been a mistake.

“I cannot help you two,
Child One and Child Two.
You should go see your Dad,
He will know what to do.”

But their Dad he rolled over,
He would not get up.
“It is your turn” he said.
“Time to be a grown up.”

The Mum wailed and moaned
With that rum in her head.
She just wanted to sleep.
She just wanted her bed.

“Come on up Mum!”
Said Child One and Child Two.
“Come and play with us now,
See the things we can do!”

So the Mum went downstairs
Feeling like she could vom.
And Child One and Child Two,
They announced with aplomb:

“We need something to eat,
We need something to drink.
We need something to do
And it’s clear from the stink

“That Child Two needs their nappy
Changed pretty damn fast.
So hurry up Mum,
You must do as we’ve asked.

“And then after all that
It is CBeebies time
You must watch it with us
Won’t that just be SUBLIME?”

The Mum looked at them both,
At Child One and Child Two.
Her stomach was churning,
Could she hide in the loo?

“No no no,” said those demons,
Child One and Child Two.
“You will NOT hide in there
We have so much to do!”

So the Mum she gave in,
She changed nappies and then
After feeding them both she said
“Here’s a good game:

“We will all now lie down
And stay still as can be
We will play Sleeping Lions
And the aim is to see

“Which of us can lie still
For the longest, and then
When we’ve played that game once…
We can play it again!”

And Child One and Child Two
How they laughed and they laughed.
“We will not play that, no.
Do you think that we’re daft?

“We don’t want to be quiet
We want to make noise.”
And they got out
Their loudest and noisiest toys.

And the Mum lay face down
With the rum in her head
As Child One and Child Two
Ran amok, and she said:

“This is dreadful, I’m dying,
I should not have drunk rum.
I will never repeat this,
No rum for this Mum.”

Much later her husband
Got up out of bed,
And he looked at his wife
Who looked like she was dead.

And he looked at the mess
Made by Child One and Two,
And he smiled, he said “Darling,
I know what to do.

“The children have swimming
So off we shall go
To the big swimming pool
Which is certain, you know

“To make you feel better
And light up your day.
Get their swimming stuff ready,
We’ll be on our way.”

The Mum looked at the Dad,
And Child One, and Child Two.
She looked at the mess and said
“I know what to do.

“You all go off swimming.
I’m staying here.
I’m hanging to fuck
And it’s only too clear

“That if you make me move
Then I’ll vom up my rum.
Leave this hungover Mum.”

And they went, yes they did,
Husband, Child One and Two.
They left her alone,
She could finally spew.

And then after she’d spewed,
She collapsed into bed.
She said “Never again,
I feel like I am dead.

“No more rum for this Mum
No more drinking all night.
What a fool I have been,
I’m a terrible sight.”

She fell back off to sleep
She was finally zen.
She knew never, but never,
Would she do that again.

And then three weeks later she was back on the rum and repeated the whole sorry incident all over again because, clearly, some people never fucking learn.

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