Dear Bra Manufacturers,
We need to talk.
So, I have been wearing a bra for some time now. Round about 27 years, by my estimation. On this basis, I feel somewhat qualified to provide you with an expert opinion on your products.
The thing is… it’s just not working for me. I mean, don’t get me wrong. The whole concept of a bra is a genius one. Anything which stops my nipples from hanging around my knees – and, post breastfeeding two children and passing the age of 30, that’s regrettably no exaggeration – can only be a good thing.
But. But, but, but. There has got to be a nicer way of doing these things. When I think of a bra, I think of a nice supporty soft hammock type contraption. Something which caresses my mammaries and makes them feel wonderful.
Instead… what we appear to have is something out of the Red Room of Pain. Which, I’ll be honest, is not the vibe I tend to be looking for on a day to day basis.
Take a look at the picture below. This is my current bra. (Before you try to tell me I should have multiple current bras: please. Have you seen how much the bastards cost when you’re anything over an A cup? I would have to sell a child if I wanted to possess more than one bra at a time.) See the bit that I’ve circled? That, Bra Manufacturers, is a fucking WEAPON. There I am, minding my own business, walking along, when all of a sudden I’m being stabbed in a tit. Thanks to the joys of PMT, I already get that delightful sensation for several days a month. I do not need your shoddy workmanship to contribute further to the Woes Of Being A Woman.
And I get it, I know, there are alternatives to underwired bras out there. However, if you have my nipple/knee challenge, the only other option which really works is a sports bra. Have you tried one of those buggers recently? They are like bloody straitjackets. It took me 37 minutes to free myself from mine, post-run, the other day. My breasts had been so flattened into submission I half expected to find them protruding around my spine on the other side of my body entirely.
So, I have a plea. Can we stop with the S&M approach to bra manufacturing, please? In an age where Apple appear to have been able to do away with wires entirely, I can’t believe we can’t find an alternative to the stabby stabby or the crushy crushy approach. I’m sure part of the problem is that bras are solely the preserve of women. If men required an equivalent device to control their testicles I am certain they’d come up with a solution pretty damn quickly. I don’t know any man who would put up with being unexpectedly stabbed in the scrotum on a daily basis…
Anyway, I leave this with you. I look forward to hearing what you come up with, in the hope that I can one day have Happy Breasts once again.
I Know, I Need to Stop Talking