Friday Nights In With Small Children

How to have a lovely, Instagram-worthy Friday night in with two small children.

You will need:

# Two small children
# A television set
# A choice of films
# Assorted snacks
# Wine
# More wine

Suggest to your small children that, as it is Friday night, you should all have a lovely evening and watch a film together.

Watch their smiles and shrieks of delight and congratulate yourself on what an excellent parent you are.

Ask your small children what film they would like to watch.

Watch World War 3 erupt over the insurmountable dichotomy between Child 1’s choice (Suicide Squad) and Child 2’s preference (The Peppa Pig Movie).

Furiously snap that YOU are the adult and that YOU will be choosing a lovely family film for you all to watch together.

Realise the only thing you have watched in the last five years is back to back episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you would not know what a lovely family film was if it came up and slammed you in the face.

Announce to the children that you will be watching Beauty and the Beast.

Watch their delighted faces as they assume they are watching the new live action version which you have purchased specially for them because you are such a superb parent.

Confess to them that you haven’t done that at all and it is the old crappy cartoon version that you will all be watching. Yes, even if the disc does have scratches all over it. Yes, because it will have scratches all over it IF PEOPLE DON’T PUT THE DISCS BACK IN THEIR BOXES.

Encourage the children to sit down with you on the sofa.

Start the film.

Stop the film for someone to go and have a wee.

Start the film.

Stop the film for someone else to go and have a wee.

Start the film.

Stop the film because one child is wailing hideously that they cannot see the television screen because their sibling has taken off their clothes and is doing a naked dance in front of it for reasons which nobody truly understands.

Ask their sibling if they could, please, just put their bloody clothes back on and SIT DOWN.

Start the film.

Stop the film to provide a snack as apparently everyone is now suddenly “STARVING”.

Start the film.

Stop the film to provide the Right Kind Of Snack, as opposed to the last snack, which was apparently entirely Wrong.

Start the film.

Realise you still haven’t made it to the end of the first song.

Watch as both children give up on any kind of pretence of feigning interest and start dancing, thrashing around like salmon, yelling at each other, throwing snacks all over the living room, belting out songs from the shows (none of which feature in the film you are actually trying to watch), punching each other in the head and generally behaving like anti-social little bastards.

Shout, “RIGHT! THAT’S IT!” and stop the film.

Watch both children suddenly turn angelic and beg and plead for the film to be turned back on, and promise to behave and sit quietly and watch it nicely.

Start the film, because you are nothing if not an incurable – and deluded – optimist.

Repeat the whole fucking process again.

Send the children to bed.

Drink the wine.

Drink more wine.

Lie on the sofa slurring Tale As Old As Time to yourself and attempting to convince yourself that this is absolutely an Instagram-worthy Friday night.

Think about going to bed and realise it is still only 8.20pm.

Take a photo of yourself holding the empty wine bottle. Filter the fuck out of it and post to Instagram.

Realise too late that you have half chewed popcorn pressed into the side of your face.

Give the whole fucking thing up as a bad job and go to bed.


One thought on “Friday Nights In With Small Children

  1. Have you ever thought of getting a box of wine, putting said wine on a bookshelf attaching an intravenous drip into your arm and letting the kids get on with it??😆

    Liked by 1 person

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