Beth’s Diary – This Week Has Been Stupid

Dear Diary,

This week has been stupid.

So, what happened was that Mum wrote a story about her front bottom and that green soap in the bathroom. Apparently the green soap made her front bottom go on fire. I know this is a lie because none of our fire alarms went off.

Anyway, Mum decided to write about this on her blog. Sometimes I think Mum is really quite stupid. Then, the next thing you know, everyone in the entire world has apparently read it.

Mum keeps coming up to me and Jamie and trying to tell us she is famous. I thought that maybe she was but Jamie told me she was lying. He showed me a man on YouTube called Dan TDM and he said that he made a million pounds every second or something like that, and THAT was what being famous was like. Mum definitely doesn’t have a million pounds. She didn’t even have seven pounds in her purse when I made her take me to the shop to buy me a fidget spinner, and so I ended up having to use my Own Money. If she was famous she would definitely have paid for it.

So, yeah, Mum keeps going on about her blog and her front bottom. Dad made us all have an Indian takeaway last night because he said Mum had done something amazing. No she hasn’t! She’s just written about her front bottom. Which I think is very unfair because if I did that in my news book at school I would be in a lot of trouble.

Mum did tell us that she had been asked to go on TV, and that was quite exciting. But then she said she wasn’t going to do it! Me and Jamie asked her why not and she said that she didn’t really want to. I reminded her that she always tells us that sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to. Apparently that is only a rule for children.

Thankfully it’s now Saturday, so I think Mum will forget about being famous because she has to take me and Jamie to our 8.30 swimming lesson. I love swimming lessons. Mum’s face always looks all scrunched up because she has to get out of bed so early. I always refuse to get dressed so she has to walk through the streets next to me wearing my dressing gown. It has a tail and a hood.

Then when we get to swimming I make sure I spend all my time with my feet on the bottom of the pool. Mum keeps shouting and pointing at me and making threatening gestures to tell me to take my feet off the bottom of the pool and swim, but I just ignore her and pretend I can’t hear her. Swimming is much more fun when you don’t actually do any swimming. Also, Mum: GRAVITY. Doh. Of course I can’t take my feet off the bottom of the pool. You wouldn’t ask me to do it if I was standing on the side, would you?

After swimming I will reveal to Mum as I do every week that I haven’t brought the pants with me that she told me to bring. She will have to walk back out the swimming pool with me wearing a too short dressing gown and no pants. Hahahahaha.

Then tonight Mum and Dad say they are having a party for something called Eurovision. If it is anything to do with the bad music they were listening to earlier this week on the TV then I don’t know why they are bothering.

At the party Mum will probably drink too much fizzy wine called champagne and tell everyone about her front bottom again. God, Mum is so EMBARRASSING.

Jamie has told me what we have to do when Mum and Dad have parties. We have to be as annoying as possible and come downstairs at least every 30 seconds with a reason why we can’t go to sleep. Jamie is going to say that he is scared of his Lego, so can they move it out of his room, and I am going to say that I can’t go to sleep because my legs are looking at me.

Then when eventually Mum gets cross and tells us to lie down and be quiet OR ELSE, we are going to sneak out and do a big poo in every single one of the toilets and NOT FLUSH THEM AWAY. HA!

I think I might start my own blog. It is going to be called: My Mum Is An Idiot. Or maybe: Why I Like Licking Dentists. We have a dentist appointment in two weeks. Mum says this time I have to behave.

Hahahahahahahaha. Mum is so funny.

Love from Beth xxx


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