Ten Things You Know If You Live In Your Heels

At 5’1 and 3/4″ (the 3/4 is important!) in my bare feet, I am a life long wearer of heels.

When I became pregnant, people kept telling me “Oh, that will be the end of your heels, then! You’ll be in ballet flats and trainers before you know it.” I nodded and laughed and smiled while inwardly thinking “Please. I may be pregnant but I still have my standards.” (In actual fact I wore heels right through both of my pregnancies and out the other side, including going into hospital in labour both times in my favourite hot pink stilettos. The agonising pain in my feet was the perfect distraction from the agonising pain in my stomach.)

Anyway, for my fellow heel-wearing devotees, I thought you might like this. Ten Things You Know If You Live In Your Heels. (Which, strictly speaking is not true. I do not wear my heels to bed. Except for once, when I couldn’t bear to take my newest and most favourite pair off, but that is very much the exception rather than the rule.)

#1 You have an entire shelf of your medicine cabinet devoted to Compeed blister plasters.

#2 Blood stains on the lining of your shoes are entirely the norm.

#3 People stop you to ask you “How do you manage to walk in those?” You smile and laugh and breezily claim “Oh, it’s easy when you know how!”, while inwardly crying and knowing that the actual answer is “With serious fucking difficulty.”

#4 You fall over at least once every day in front of total strangers (good) or, far worse, People You Know And Will Have To See Again (bad).

#5 You avoid any event which requires you to walk on turf like the plague.

#6 You frequently become entrapped in uneven floor coverings or the Tesco travelator by your stiletto heel. You are yet to work out a way of styling this out without looking like a total dick.

#7 When you are out walking, people ask you if you can hurry up, and you think “Hahahahahahahahaha. NO.”

#8 You are so used to walking in heels that, on the odd occasion when you are for some reason forced into flats, your centre of gravity is so off kilter that you fall over anyway.

#9 All of your pairs of jeans are at least 5 inches too long for you when you’re not wearing shoes.

#10 Even despite the screaming agony, and the mortification of falling flat on your face in front of other people, and the enormous hole in the carpet your heels have made just behind your clutch pedal… they bring a smile to your face every single day 😊

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