From time to time I get messages from people asking how I became a blogger, what you have to do to run a successful (which always makes me snigger a little bit because I still can’t believe anyone actually reads the shit I write ) blog, etc, etc.
And so, if you’re thinking of setting up a blog, here for what it’s worth are my suggested ‘Top Tips’ as to how you become an all star totally amazing celebrity blogger (which I alas am very much not ).
1) Prepare for the long haul. And I mean the really really really fucking long haul. I wrote my first blog post in May 2009. It wasn’t until July 2016 that my blog readers reached double figures (Which, to be honest, is a blessing given how truly terrible the first seven years of posts were )
2) Be a narcissist. You are, most likely, going to be writing almost daily posts All About You. Not only do you need to love yourself a slightly obscene amount, you need to be somehow deluded enough to believe that other people will also want to read daily posts All About You.
3) Have willing blog participants. Now, I get many a message telling me just how much I am fucking up my children’s lives and how they are going to grow up to loathe and despise me. Which is all quite possibly true, but I would say there is a long list of likely causes for that, with the fact that I feature them in my blog probably quite low down the list. Oh, and if you can manage to rope in blog participants who have graduated from the Jim Carey School of Face Pulling, you are definitely onto a good thing. (Mr Jamie, I’m looking at you…)
4) Have a skin as thick as Donald Trump’s toupee. While 90% of the messages and comments I get are amazing. 10% are from the likes of Anne, Caroline and their ilk, who appear to think the best way of dealing with a Facebook page you don’t like is not, oddly enough, to close it down and move onto something else, but instead to take the time to send a stream of vitriol to the page owner. My favourite comment was still the one which told me I was “APPALLING”. (They’re right. I am )
5) Not get obsessed with your blog’s stats and absolutely not spend hours frantically watching the numbers go up (or down ). This is a blogging skill I have not mastered even slightly.
6) Be yourself. Sounds obvious… but I think I tried to be about 200 different bloggers in my first 7 years of blogging before realising I can’t do “emotional and creative”, and I can’t do “witty and hip”… but I am really really good at “sweary and slightly self obsessed”.
7) Enjoy it. This bit is the most important part of all. Because blogging is unpredictable. Some days you will write a post that you think is fucking amazing… and no bastard reads it… and some days you will write what is frankly a shower of shit (I wrote the first Biff and Chip post in less than ten minutes because I was rushing to get something out, then ignored my phone all evening until the influx of notifications actually briefly broke Facebook for me and I realised this might have been slightly less shit than I thought ) and almost 6 million people read it. There is no rhyme or reason to this madness. So enjoy the process of blogging and try not to go round and threaten physical harm when you realise not even the people that you know in real life and should therefore surely have given you a sympathy like if nothing else have even bothered to read it. The bastards.
And so, because I remember how much of a fucking slog it was trying to get anyone to read my blog when I was starting out, I wanted to give any of you who are bloggers a chance to promote your page on the comments here. Tell us a little bit about why we should go and read it, and post the link. If you can vote up the ones you think are particularly awesome by liking them, I’ll then do a post at some point in the next few days (when I’ve had a chance to read them) highlighting these. And then you too can soon have the honour of Anne visiting your page to tell you how much she loathes what you’re doing… 😂😂😂