Fireman Sam

The village of Pontypandy had had a whip-round.

“I just can’t fucking take that little bastard any more,” muttered Elvis Cridlington.

“You think you’ve got it bad,” said Dilys Price. “At least you don’t have to fucking LIVE with him.”

“The apple never falls far from the tree,” muttered Trevor Evans. Trevor and Dilys had had a falling out. He suspected she had her eye on that Norris Steele. Jesus, the woman was unstoppable. It was no wonder contraceptive devices had become Pontypandy’s primary industry. No one wanted to be the person responsible for The Omen, Part 2.

“So, come on then, what’s the plan?” said Fireman Sam.

“Tie him to a stake!” said Sarah.

“Douse him with petrol!” said James.

“Set him alight!” said Sarah.

“And watch the bastard BURN!” shrieked Elvis Cridlington, leaping onto a nearby table and making menacing gestures with his hands. “There’ll be no long reach hoses available that day to help him out, mark my words.”

“Alright Elvis. That’s a bit much,” said Trevor Evans. “The boy is only a child, after all.”

“That’s no child. That’s Beezlebub sent to live amongst us in human form,” muttered Elvis Cridlington as he reluctantly dismounted the table. “Oh, alright then. I suppose we’d better not actually set him alight.”

“This isn’t the Wicker bloody Man,” said Fireman Sam. “Besides, if we set him alight he’d only come back and haunt us.” Everyone shuddered at the thought of the malevolent ghost of Norman Price suddenly materialising next to them in the bathroom while they were attempting to coerce out a particularly difficult poo.

“Leave it with me,” said Trevor Evans. “I’ve got the perfect plan…”

And so it was, a mere 24 hours later, that Norman Price and his cousin Derek – who also thought Norman was a little scrote and was totally in on the plan – had been persuaded to climb Pontypandy’s highest peak, along with Fireman Sam and Elvis Cridlington.

“Why have you all got safety equipment and I haven’t,” whined Norman, in that nasal tone that made anyone who got within a fifty mile radius of him want to remove their own ears with a razorblade.

“What can we say, Norman? Life’s about taking risks,” said Elvis Cridlington. “Why don’t you walk a little bit closer to that nice steep ravine?”

Finally, they arrived at the peak. “Right then,” said Norman. “What shall we do now?”

“How about a quick game of hide and seek,” said Derek.

“Perfect,” said Norman. “You hide, and I’ll seek.” And, slowly, Norman began counting to 100…

Several hours later, Sam, Elvis and Derek arrived back in Pontypandy. It had not been the smoothest journey back down the mountain. But… they had succeeded! They had left that pestilent beast Norman Price trapped up there in the mountain. Oh, they hadn’t been entirely heartless. They’d left him with food, and a map, so he’d be able to find his way back down eventually… but it would be a long, dark journey. “Just enough to flatten him and make him think twice about being an utter dick in future,” thought Fireman Sam in grim satisfaction.

They walked back through the doors of the fire station. To be met by Trevor Evans and Dilys Price, looking furious. And – there – no, surely not…

“Hello Sam! Hello Elvis!” said a delighted looking Norman Price. “You’re bloody dreadful at hide and seek, aren’t you? I raced back down that mountain and got here hours ahead of you, and guess what I found when I did! My mum, Trevor Evans and Norris Steele all caught in the middle of a spit roast! And I don’t mean the roasted meat type of spit roast, either.”

Dilys Price looked like she wanted to murder someone. Probably Norman. Sam imagined there would likely be a queue for the honour.

“Told you we should have burned him,” said Elvis Cridlington, sighing deeply.

“I wouldn’t bother,” said Norman Price, overhearing this. “I’m made of fucking TEFLON.”

“What did I do to deserve this,” said Dilys Price, weeping into her pint of gin.

Neither Trevor Evans nor Norris Steele could meet each other’s eye.


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