It is a sunny day.
This is Mum.
“Let’s all go outside and have a family day in the sun,” says Mum.
This is Chip.
Chip does not want to go outside and have a family day in the sun.
Chip wants to fester in his darkened bedroom with the curtains closed, obsessively playing Fortnite on his computer and growling at anyone who comes near him.
This is Biff.
Biff does not want to go outside and have a family day in the sun.
Biff wants to stay inside with her iPad and the WiFi connection and watch the mysterious YouTube phenomenon of “unboxing”.
This is Kipper.
Kipper does not want to go outside and have a family day in the sun.
Kipper wants to stare mindlessly at back to back episodes of Peppa Pig on the television until Mum loses her shit and threatens to make Peppa Pig into sausages and Kipper cries and is only consoled with the prospect of more Peppa Pig episodes forcing Mum into some kind of vicious porcine cycle from hell.
This is Dad.
Dad does not want to go outside and have a family day in the sun.
Dad wants to sit on the sofa watching Football Focus and scratching his balls.
Mum is about to insist that Biff and Chip and Kipper and Dad come outside and have a family day in the sun.
Then Mum remembers what happened last time she suggested they go outside and have a family day in the sun.
Kipper whinged incessantly for ice lollies and Biff got stung by a wasp and Chip drenched the neighbours’ washing with his water pistol and Dad got out the barbecue, cremated the entirety of the weekly Tesco shop, and set light to the garden shed, and Floppy the absolute fucking liability took a shit in the paddling pool.
Mum leaves everyone else alone and goes outside.
Mum lies on the sun lounger and drinks Pimms and eats Magnum Golds by the box load (because everyone knows that alcohol units and calories don’t count when the sun is shining).
“Actually having your family with you on a family day in the sun is very overrated,” thinks Mum happily.