This is Biff.

Biff’s homework for the weekend is to make a model of the Taj Mahal out of the recyclable items her family have used in the last week. The homework must be handed in on Monday morning.

Biff is not planning to mention this homework to her parents until approximately 8.59pm on Sunday evening.

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This is Mum

This is Mum.

Mum last had a lie-in back in approximately 1874.

Back then, Mum was footloose and fancy free.

She also had nipples which stayed above ankle level and a front bottom which was yet to look like the aftermath of a violent altercation between a piece of beef steak and a cactus.

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Getting Ready

This is Mum.

Mum has been trying to get the children ready to leave the house since 6.27am that morning.

It is now 8.54am and the school gates will close in exactly six minutes.

This is Kipper.

Kipper has been awake since 5am watching violent 18 certificate movies which he has illicitly downloaded on the Sky box using the parental password he is not supposed to know.

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