You have one half of a cake and another one half of a cake. How much cake do you have in total?
a) One cake
b) Two cakes
c) Don’t know, fractions are stupid
“Just got my home insurance renewal through.”
“Up again, is it?”
“For the seventeenth year in a row.”
Dear Postman Pat,
I am writing to inform you that you are required to attend a disciplinary hearing on Tuesday 3 April 2018. This hearing will be held at 11am in the back office of the Greendale Post Office.
From time to time I get messages from people asking how I became a blogger, what you have to do to run a successful (which always makes me snigger a little bit because I still can’t believe anyone actually reads the shit I write ) blog, etc, etc.
And so, if you’re thinking of setting up a blog, here for what it’s worth are my suggested ‘Top Tips’ as to how you become an all star totally amazing celebrity blogger (which I alas am very much not ). Continue reading
It’s been quite an afternoon.
I’ve been to Primark.
I go to Primark once a year: to buy sunglasses and vest tops. Enough to get me through a full twelve months, before I have to darken its McDonalds smeared doorstep again. I would love to purchase sunglasses and vest tops from an alternative source, but there is nowhere I can find where I can get such an enormous variety of each for such a disgustingly low price. Continue reading
If there were parenting league tables – which, thank fuck, there aren’t, although I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before the army of Smug Parents manage to get them introduced and have us all sobbing into our morning mug of gin – then I am fairly sure I would be rapidly heading out of the bottom of what was formally known as the Vauxhall Conference.
It has not been a good week. Which is a worry, given we’re only on Tuesday. Continue reading
At the grand old age of nine and a half… Mr Jamie has finally learned to ride a bike.
I don’t know if you have ever tried to teach a small child to ride a bike?
It is fucking soul destroying. Continue reading
At 5’1 and 3/4″ (the 3/4 is important!) in my bare feet, I am a life long wearer of heels.
When I became pregnant, people kept telling me “Oh, that will be the end of your heels, then! You’ll be in ballet flats and trainers before you know it.” I nodded and laughed and smiled while inwardly thinking “Please. I may be pregnant but I still have my standards.” (In actual fact I wore heels right through both of my pregnancies and out the other side, including going into hospital in labour both times in my favourite hot pink stilettos. The agonising pain in my feet was the perfect distraction from the agonising pain in my stomach.) Continue reading
How to have a lovely, Instagram-worthy Friday night in with two small children.
You will need:
# Two small children
# A television set
# A choice of films
# Assorted snacks
# More wine Continue reading