Dear Clothing Manufacturers,
I wanted to write a letter to you. To be honest, there are several letters that I wanted to write to you. One entitled Some Of Us Are Over A Size Six, You Know, and another one entitled For The Love Of God, Can We Have Some Consistency In Sizing, You Bastards. But those can wait, because tonight’s missive is, I feel, more critically important to get to you. You see, tonight I’d like to talk to you about the following:
What The Fuck Is With Those Stupid Hanging Loops? Continue reading
Dear Bra Manufacturers,
We need to talk.
So, I have been wearing a bra for some time now. Round about 27 years, by my estimation. On this basis, I feel somewhat qualified to provide you with an expert opinion on your products. Continue reading
Dear Very Angry People Of The Internet,
I just wanted to write you a little note in response to some of our recent interactions.
You see, it seems like my little blog over here is making a lot of you very angry. So angry, that you feel the need to write to me and tell me just how angry you really are. Continue reading
An Open Letter To My Children’s School
I would like to start this letter by saying how much I love you. No, really. My love for you is pretty much unbounded. You take my children away from me for a full six hours and forty-five minutes every day, five days a week… FOR FREE. Dudes: I owe you. Big time.
Dear WeightWatchers, Slimming World, Juice Plus, and other assorted commercial weight loss programs,
Hold the front page. Because I have come up with the most radical shake up to your advertising campaigns since that drum playing gorilla. And – because I’m lovely – I am reaching out (as an aside, isn’t that a terrible expression? I’m not reaching out at all. I’m typing these words into the screen of my phone. But, I digress) to share it with you. Continue reading
Yesterday, as I dropped you off at school, you made a passing comment to me. “I don’t want to go to after school club today.” Shortly followed by: “Why do you have to go to work?”
My beautiful boy,
Today you are 10. TEN! How is that even possible? It seems only moments ago that you were a tiny baby.
My beautiful girl,
Today you are seven. Seven years old! So far as you are concerned, this means you can now get on and rule the world. And I think you are probably right.
An open letter to my children’s teachers.
I would like to start with a statement of fact. You are amazing. No, really. You absolutely, one hundred percent, are. You spend the majority of your term time waking hours with my children. Plus 29 others. Not only that, you do so in a calm and sanguine manner. I lose my shit when I get a bit of sellotape stuck to my finger and it won’t come off. I can only imagine what my demeanour would be like if locked in a classroom with 30 hell-demons. You are heroes, every last one of you.