Bastard Hanging Loops

Dear Clothing Manufacturers,

I wanted to write a letter to you. To be honest, there are several letters that I wanted to write to you. One entitled Some Of Us Are Over A Size Six, You Know, and another one entitled For The Love Of God, Can We Have Some Consistency In Sizing, You Bastards. But those can wait, because tonight’s missive is, I feel, more critically important to get to you. You see, tonight I’d like to talk to you about the following:

What The Fuck Is With Those Stupid Hanging Loops? Continue reading

Dear WeightWatchers, Slimming World, and Juice Plus

Dear WeightWatchers, Slimming World, Juice Plus, and other assorted commercial weight loss programs,

Hold the front page. Because I have come up with the most radical shake up to your advertising campaigns since that drum playing gorilla. And – because I’m lovely – I am reaching out (as an aside, isn’t that a terrible expression? I’m not reaching out at all. I’m typing these words into the screen of my phone. But, I digress) to share it with you. Continue reading

Homework

An open letter to my children’s teachers.

I would like to start with a statement of fact. You are amazing. No, really. You absolutely, one hundred percent, are. You spend the majority of your term time waking hours with my children. Plus 29 others. Not only that, you do so in a calm and sanguine manner. I lose my shit when I get a bit of sellotape stuck to my finger and it won’t come off. I can only imagine what my demeanour would be like if locked in a classroom with 30 hell-demons. You are heroes, every last one of you.

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