This is Biff.

Biff’s homework for the weekend is to make a model of the Taj Mahal out of the recyclable items her family have used in the last week. The homework must be handed in on Monday morning.

Biff is not planning to mention this homework to her parents until approximately 8.59pm on Sunday evening.

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This is Mum

This is Mum.

Mum last had a lie-in back in approximately 1874.

Back then, Mum was footloose and fancy free.

She also had nipples which stayed above ankle level and a front bottom which was yet to look like the aftermath of a violent altercation between a piece of beef steak and a cactus.

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Biff, Chip and Kipper and the Mother’s Day Surprise

It was nearly Mother’s Day.

‘All I want for Mother’s Day,’ said Mum, ‘is five minutes’ peace.’

‘Five minutes’ peace?’ said Chip. ‘What do you mean, five minutes’ peace? We’ve been out of the country for the past seven days fighting vampire warlords and all you said when we came back was “Did you have a nice day at school?” You don’t need five minutes’ peace. You need a watch and a sense of your children’s whereabouts.’

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