This is Biff.
Biff’s homework for the weekend is to make a model of the Taj Mahal out of the recyclable items her family have used in the last week. The homework must be handed in on Monday morning.
Biff is not planning to mention this homework to her parents until approximately 8.59pm on Sunday evening.
This is Mum.
Mum last had a lie-in back in approximately 1874.
Back then, Mum was footloose and fancy free.
She also had nipples which stayed above ankle level and a front bottom which was yet to look like the aftermath of a violent altercation between a piece of beef steak and a cactus.
It was nearly Mother’s Day.
‘All I want for Mother’s Day,’ said Mum, ‘is five minutes’ peace.’
‘Five minutes’ peace?’ said Chip. ‘What do you mean, five minutes’ peace? We’ve been out of the country for the past seven days fighting vampire warlords and all you said when we came back was “Did you have a nice day at school?” You don’t need five minutes’ peace. You need a watch and a sense of your children’s whereabouts.’
Biff and Chip brought a letter home from school.
The letter said that Mrs May would be teaching the children about sex.
‘What’s sex?’ asked Kipper.
‘You don’t need to know,’ said Mum.
‘I know what sex is,’ said Kipper. ‘Sex is RUDE. I know about sex. Chip, you have a penis, and Biff, you have a vagina.’
Biff and Chip looked appalled.
Mum had had enough.
‘I’ve had enough,’ said Mum. ‘Dad is going to have to go.’
Dad was sad.
‘Why do I have to go?’
‘Because,’ said Mum, ‘you are a fucking liability.’
Biff and Chip had a spelling test. They brought the list of spelling words home from school with them.
‘What are those?’ asked Mum.
‘These are our spellings,’ said Biff.
‘We have to learn them for a test,’ said Chip.
‘But you don’t do work at school,’ said Dad. ‘You just do plays.’
The school sent a letter home about World Book Day.
The children were allowed to dress up as their favourite characters from books.
Biff and Chip were very excited.
Mum was not.
‘What is your favourite book?’ Mum asked Biff and Chip.
‘I don’t really like reading books,’ said Biff.
‘Is a computer game a book?’ said Chip.
‘Fuck my life,’ said Mum.
It was time for Biff and Chip to have their SATs at school.
Mum was worried.
Mum did not think that Biff and Chip would do well in their SATs.
Neither did Biff and Chip.
Biff and Chip had an attendance level of 35%.
“We are basically fucked”, thought Biff and Chip.
This is Biff.
This is Chip.
This is Kipper.
Biff, Chip and Kipper’s parents would clearly have benefited from a book of baby names when they were planning the naming of their children.