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Jeans Shopping

July 24, 2018 / aswadmt / 1 Comment

This is Mum.

Mum has reached the point where she can put off the horrid task no longer.

Mum has to buy a new pair of jeans.

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Of Clothes Shopping

March 16, 2018March 4, 2018 / aswadmt / 1 Comment

Dear Clothing Manufacturers,

Hi there! Me again.

So, tonight I’d like to talk to you about a very important subject. I’ll do my best to outline this as clearly and concisely as I possibly can.

WHAT THE ACTUAL BUGGERING FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR BASTARD CLOTHES SIZING, YOU FUCKWITTING COCKWOMBLES?

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I Know, I Need To Stop Talking

I Know, I Need To Stop Talking

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Today I also discovered that I own not a single item of waterproof clothing, and basically if it's an element of parenting for which high heels and a glass of champagne are not appropriate accessories, that I am essentially fucked. . 🤦🤦🤦

Move over, Marie Kondo and Mrs Hinch. It's time for the IKINTST approach to decluttering your home. . We're going to start with cupboards. Literally take every fucking thing you can find and shove it into the nearest cupboard in as disorganised and haphazard manner you can manage. . When you think you can't get anything else in: engage your biceps and stomach muscles and push, push and push some more. Not only a tidy home, but a workout too! . At the point where you're in danger of getting whiplash from the force of the jammed in items breaking free and ricocheting back out into your face, rapidly grab both cupboard doors and slam shut. . TOP TIP: If your cupboard doors are fitted with some shitty magnetic catch which means they fly back open at the slightest touch, judicious use of a chair or other large object rammed up against them is recommended. . Survey your handiwork proudly and reward yourself with a large G&T. And hope to god you don't need anything from inside that cupboard any time soon. . You are WELCOME! Next time, we'll cover the art of ensuring your spare room is always ready for visitors...by closing the door on the crap and forbidding anyone on pain of death from opening it. . #IKINTSThouseholdhints #mariekondo #mrshinch

One hundred and fifty Amazon reviews. . ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY AMAZON REVIEWS!!! . And only one of them referring to it as "utter drivel" (thanks Ian! 👍) . Thank you all so so so so SO much, for your support, for taking a chance and buying a random book written by that sweary woman on the internet. For laughing at it, for crying at it, for getting that I wanted it to do more than just entertain, that I wanted to use it to raise awareness of some really big issues. And for your wonderful messages telling me that it made you guffaw so loudly you got weird looks on the bus. They make my day, and I am so grateful for you all ♥️ . Also, not too late to buy a copy for your dad/grandad/significant other/random bloke you met in the street for Father's Day!! . I mean, they may not want a copy for Father's Day...but it's more interesting than socks, and given my dad's getting fifty three copies as his Father's Day gift....... 😂 . Happy Thursdays, and thank you so so much again, you utterly marvellous lot ♥️ . https://www.amazon.co.uk/Absolutely-Smashing-Kathryn-Wallace/dp/075157497X . #absolutelysmashingit

20 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS KIDS . #1 "Did you have a nice chilled weekend?" . #2 [When their baby is three days old] "Have you not got them into a routine, yet?" . #3 "Of course, mine NEVER behaved like that." . #4 "You look tired." . #5 [Shares entirely fictional horror stories from the Daily Fail about what happened to children who weren't breastfed/didn't eat solely organic baby foods/weren't reading by their second birthday] . #6 "Are they sleeping through the night yet?" #fuckofffuckofffuckoffFUCKOFF . #7 "I know an excellent exercise class near me for when you decide to get round to losing the baby weight." . #8 "Don't you think you've had enough cake?" . #9 "Does your husband ever babysit for them to give you a break?" . #10 "Of course, if you haven't had their name down for [exclusive local school] since birth, you might as well forget about their chances of getting a decent education." . #11 "So I assume you'll be giving up work then, to look after the baby?" [NB Interestingly, this is almost never said to fathers.] . #12 "How was your holiday? Relaxing?" . #13 "They just need firmer boundaries." . #14 "I mean, they're only a little tiny baby. How hard can it be?" . #15 "Maternity leave is such a scam, it's just one big holiday, isn't it?" . #16 "Have you tried co-sleeping/putting them in their own room/controlled crying" I HAVE TRIED FUCKING EVERYTHING, LOOK AT THE FUCKING STATE OF ME, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO HASN'T EXHAUSTED EVERYTHING ON PLANET EARTH IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET THEM TO JUST, PLEASE, GO THE FUCKING FUCK TO SLEEP??? . #17 [When their two week old baby is crying] "He's crying because he wants some proper food, he is. Why don't you try him on a nice roast dinner?" . #18 "Make the most of these [screaming, sleep deprived, feel like I could die I'm so tired and frankly am wondering quite what the fuck I've done] days, you won't get them back!" . #19 "Honestly, you women do make a big deal out of childbirth." . #20 "Time for another one?" . 1 THING NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE KIDS . #1 "Why have you not had children, then?" Because it is absolutely none of your fucking business. The End. . #parenting

#gothefucktosleep

#LIFEGOALS 👊👊👊 . #parenting

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