Parenting League Tables

If there were parenting league tables – which, thank fuck, there aren’t, although I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before the army of Smug Parents manage to get them introduced and have us all sobbing into our morning mug of gin – then I am fairly sure I would be rapidly heading out of the bottom of what was formally known as the Vauxhall Conference.

It has not been a good week. Which is a worry, given we’re only on Tuesday. Continue reading

Ten More Things To Do Before You Have Children

I thought of ten more things that, for the love of god, if you don’t yet have children, go and do these things now. Now. NOW!

#1 Have a bath. By yourself. Make the most of the way that there are absolutely no bath toys whatsoever jabbing into your labia when you sit down, and the fact that not a single person wanders in to use the toilet and take a shit while you are in there.

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Five Ways In Which Your Sunday Mornings Will Never Be The Same Again Once You Have Children.

#1 The noise. Oh my god, the noise. Once upon a time, Sunday mornings were quiet and tranquil times, and now it’s Mr Fecking Tumble and “I’m hungry/I’m thirsty/I’m pooing/I HATE YOU” from 4.56am as someone wakes you up by smashing a Tommee Tippee cup into the side of your head or presenting you with a nappy full of shit.

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